GDMFS

I'm actively avoiding driving off a cliff right now...I'm just SO fucking frustrated.  Oh, remember when I said I should have results today and the only bad news I could get would be "we need to do more tests, which means more waiting??????"  Well surprise, surprise, we have to do MORE testing.  I recognize I should be happy that they are covering all their bases, and I am...I'm just so frustrated with this process.  I was PISSED when we were leaving the dr's office.  So pissed that my ears were ringing.  Since then I've been able to calm the hell down...a bit.

Ok...so I have elevated cytokines.  WTF are cytokines you might ask?  Well (if I understand this correctly) they are a type of white blood cell.  Having elevated cytokines can mean that my immune system is essentially killing my babies.  The cytokines are seeing the baby as something bad and need to attack it.  Um...awesome.  They can also cause implantation issues as well.  Basically, my immune system might be rejecting my embryos. 

That's not all.  Oh no.  Of course not.  There's more.  I also have 3 different genetic mutations.  Thanks for all that cigarette smoke when I was in utero, mom!  2 of them I would never have any symptoms of, but they showed up on the blood work, so Josh is having to have the crazy amounts of bloodwork done too to see if he carries the same mutations.  If he does and we did end up getting pregnant and going to term (oh, because my body didn't eat my babies) then there's a 1 in 4 chance that our baby could have severe seizures, inability to walk or function, and something like 85% of them die within one year.  That's not so much what we are going for here.  So they're checking him for everything to make sure we don't make mutated children and if we do, luckily, there's an option.  One option...the only one.  IVF with ICSI. (ahem...that's like 12k PER MONTH) That's doing IVF, but being able to genetically test the embryos before implantation and only implanting the ones that check out safe.  That's pretty cool, but also weirds me out that my future children would be a science project.  But who am I kidding, my entire reproductive system is a damn science project. 

The 3rd mutation I carry has some long ass name that means my body doesn't absorb proper amounts of folic acid from food.  So WTF, I eat all my leafy greens for no reason? Shit, I'm going to start eating chicken fingers and fries every day.  Jokes...I'm already getting fat from my inability to do cardio (ps I'm going to start doing yoga I think to stay in shape)  They're writing me a prescription for prescription strength prenatals with a specific kind of folic acid that my body will be able to absorb.

Now, if it comes back that Beyonce (my uterus's new name because it's completely tilted to the left - get it?  'to the left. to the left.  everything you own in a box to the left') is eating my babies (yes I know it's not actually my uterus eating it, it's my immune system attacking it) then there's treatment for that too.   I would have to have 2 infusions of intralipids.  One at the beginning of my cycle and one after I find out I'm pregnant (I'll believe that when I see it) which will apparently tell my cytokines that baby cohen is not a space invader and can stay in there for 9 months.  All that accompanied by Letrozole (the ovulation inducing drug) and IUI (intrauterine insemination)  That's about $1500-$2k per cycle with a 20-25% chance of becoming pregnant.  Good thing we have cash under the mattress...oh, wait a second... 

Dr P. said that if after 2 failed IUI attempts (that's $3k-$3500 for anyone that's following) we move to IVF because after 2 failed IUI's your odds go way down. So that could potentially be $3500 for nothing THEN paying the $12k per cycle after that. We need to win the damn lottery.

You know what's bullshit?  That 85-90% of couples get pregnant for free.  FREE.  Actually, I would say they're getting paid. In sexual favors.  Whatever, I'm just bitter betty right now. 

Thank God my girlfriends and I had already planned a girls night tonight.  I plan on having FAR too many holiday cocktails.

my friends are better than your friends

The outpouring of love and encouragement for our dr appointment today has been amazingly awesome.  My friends rock!  Appointment is at 11:30...wish us luck!!

lightbulb

I just realized what the worst news could be on Friday.  For me, the worst news would be Dr P telling me that we have to do trial and error on a drug or something like that.  More waiting would just about do me in.  I just need some answers.  One way or another just some damn answers. 

squeedleedee!

Got the call from the nurse at my RE's office this morning.  All test results and scans are in and Dr. P has had a chance to look over them and it's time to get together and discuss treatment plans.  HELL YES!!  I have no idea how the appointment will go.  No idea what will be thrown at us, but I'll have some f**king answers and for that I am elated!  I'm also nervous.  Not about the information we will get but nervous about if he says that the only option is IVF or adoption.  As I have said, I have no attachment to actually birthing a child, but I know that Josh has an attachment to having a child of his own.  I can't blame him for that.  I know there are a lot of people out there that want children of their "own" (yes, I know that by adopting they will be our children, but you know what I mean...having the same genetic makeup). So, I need to be open to the IVF process, if that's what is thrown at us.  Hell, they could say, everything is fine...you just have really bad luck! Who knows!

 I've been against the thought of IVF this whole time, but I realize I need to be open to it.  I also need some facts.  I want to compare the cost of IVF, noting that multiple cycles may be needed, and the success rates per cycle vs the entire cost of adoption.  The last thing I'm interested in is spending $30K (plus interest, because we don't just have thousands of dollars lying around...) and not having a baby at the end of it. On the flip side of that we could do IVF and end up with 2 for one which I am A-OK with!  BOGO and then I never have to go through this again.  So, as I've said for a year now, we will have some answers soon. 

On another note, I started seeing a therapist.  A LOT has surfaced lately and I needed to be able to just let loose.  With my dad being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my infertility, now probably staying at my job that I'm not fond of, and the stresses of every day life I needed an outlet.  I really like her.  I felt really comfortable and my god it was SO nice to have someone say to me, "wow, that's a lot to deal with."  Just having someone to really GET that I'm struggling with some things was therapy in and of itself.  Maybe that's part of it. Just being heard.  I've never seen a therapist before, but I'm into it so far.  I go back next week, and this time I'll be able to talk about the results I get from Dr. P so that should be good. 

I was talking to her about all the shit going on and she said, well, you're married?  I said yes, and she said, "how's that going?" and I said, "that's the only part that seems to be working right now!"  I liked being able to say that :)  It's nice to end on a good note! I'll update Friday!

In other news

I go for my HSG on Wednesday.  Ouchie.  And I have to go by myself because Josh is going out of town for work and can't get out of it :( I'm kind of terrified.  Yes, it'll be painful, but I'll do what I have to do and then FINALLY we should have some answers.  I feel like I've been saying "after this test/procedure we should finally have answers" for months and it doesn't seem to pan out that way, but maybe this time will be different.  I was planning on drugging myself heavily ahead of time, but that's not an option since I'll be driving this time...sad day.  Oh well. 

Oh, and I'm sure everyone has heard that Kate Middleton is pregnant...yay...

My First DIY!

Josh wanted a fish tank :) Well, he wanted lots of fish tanks built into the walls of our basement, but as that would be a VERY expensive venture, and wouldn't happen for years and years he decided to go a different route.  He started searching on craigslist for just a tank, as they are quite expensive alone without any fish, coral, sand, etc and came across a couple that was selling everything.  Their 150 gallon tank, all the fish (very expensive fish I might add) all their coral and rock and the gigantic piece of furniture the tank sits in.  Josh went back and forth with them and got them down to half their original asking price and he said OK.  I will say, at first I was not so jazzed about spending any money on this adventure but after we got everything home I started looking at how much these people had spent in this tank and it was WELL over $10,000.00.  Um, we didn't pay them ANYTHING near that.  Turns out, we got a really good deal AND Josh now has his hobby back :)  He had salt water tanks (little ones) growing up and wanted another one, and if there's one thing to note about my husband is that once he sets his mind to something there is no stopping him.  Alas, we are the proud owners of a 150 gallon salt water tank with many different fish, sea cucumbers, sea serpents which are weird looking starfish, lots of snails, 3 shrimp, anemones, and whatever other tiny creatures are living in the sand.  It's pretty awesome to see.  I like it at night when the lights have been out for about 30 minutes and I go in there with a flashlight and look at all the nightlife that is out that hides during the day :) So...what was the DIY project you might ask?  Well, the piece of furniture that the tank came in was god awful.  Josh was quite concerned that I was going to hate it when we went to pick it up, and sure enough when I saw it I almost gagged, but I told him not to worry because I would refinish it to match our stuff...and I did!  Here's before

 

 

Honestly, that's straight out of 1983 with 10 layers of polyurethane on it.  I wasn't scared thought...I could see that the actual PIECE of furniture was pretty, it just needed a face lift :)  So here it is after....................................

 

 

Yay!  I'm quite proud of my work!  And everyone is happy and healthy in the tank :)  I've gotten some oil rubbed bronze cabinet pulls to add to it as well (a target steal at only $15!  Whoop!!) which will change the look of it a bit.  I'm stoked!!

welp...

So met with my RE, Dr. P.  I'm more confused now than I was when I went in! Not because of what he said but of what to do from here.  After my initial consultation he said two things.  One: "it's likely you have endometriosis" and Two: "You may have PCOS" which is PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Uh...well those two things aren't such great things to have!  Luckily there are treatments for both, but we had to do MORE testing to see what's going on in there and see which treatment plan would be most beneficial to me.  Endometriosis runs in my family and I kind of had an inkling that I had it.  I have almost every single symptom of endo.  The PCOS is a new one on me.  I don't have many symptoms, but my ovaries look polycystic on ultrasound.  So, what to do from here?  I have to go back tomorrow after I fast to drink that nasty ass sugar drink and them take my blood before and after.  I have to wait 2 hours after drinking it for them to take my blood.  Looks like I'm in the market for a new good book :) The reason for the glucose test is because apparently with PCOS there's something off with my insulin.  Clearly I'm well versed about PCOS...I have a big day of research ahead of me! What I do know, is if they confirm the PCOS needs to be treated it looks like I will be taking a drug called Metformin to level out my insulin, then take Letrizole to induce ovulation (Dr. P doesn't like Clomid thank the GOOD lord) and will likely do Intrauterine Insemination aka IUI.  IUI is non-invasive.  They basically take Josh's sperm (I suppose I should buy him some decent porn if he's going to have to go at this part alone ;)) and wash it, as in clear the spermies from any seminal fluid and insert it directly into my uterus.  It's not very expensive and apparently not very painful.  I'm cool with that!   Unfortunately I have to have an HSG done...the FemVue I had done a few months ago with the bubbles does not give them a clear enough answer to whether or not my fallopian tubes are open.  Greeeeeeat.  Those things hurt like a mother F**KER.  That will be in about 2-2.5 weeks. 

So, to recap...yesterday they took about 20 vials (not joking) of my blood to test for any and every genetic issue that I could possibly be a carrier of, have told me I likely have Endometriosis and PCOS and also did some tests related to diagnosing me properly with those, did an ultrasound to check out my ovaries (btw my uterine wall was quite thick and I felt like Phoebe "Think Thick!!!") and determined they are polycystic, took a sample of cervial fluid to check me for STD's (heh), scheduled my glucose test, told me how to schedule my HSG when I start, gave both of us a prescription to take before the HSG so we don't "transfer bacteria back and forth to each other" which is disgusting to think about, took Josh's blood to test for STD's also (to which I made a joke about and nobody quite thought I was funny...awkward) and sent us home with pages upon pages of information about Endo, PCOS, HSG, Laparoscopy (which I can't even go into detail about yet...the surgery required to determine the level of Endo...eeeek) and exercise related to Fertility.  Oh yeah...I'm not allowed to do anymore cardio.  I can weight train my little heart out, but no more cardio for this chick.  Has to do with the BMI of a woman, and essentially how we aren't designed to be lean...awesome.  You bet your ass I called my trainer and was like "OMG Dr says I can't do anymore cardio am I going to get fat?!"  (Yes I recognize that's vain...but gaining weight is also not good for fertility...so whatevs) and he assured me that that is not how it works at all.  So long as I'm keeping track of my calories (I haven't counted calories in YEARS bc of my exercise regimen) and continue to weight train I will not gain weight.  WHEW! Plus, I hate doing cardio so this is kind of a win/win for me ;)

Oy...that's a lot of information.  My head is still spinning.  But bottom line is that we have to do MORE testing to get the answers although at the end of our appointment Dr P said, "once we figure out what the problem is I really don't see you having a difficult time conceiving or having a healthy pregnancy."  THAT I like!

the day has come!

We have our specialist (hereby referred to as my RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist - fancy!) appointment today.  I'm really excited about it actually!  Yesterday I was at lunch with my BFF, Joanna, and we were talking about it and I started to wonder why I'm not nervous.  Truth of the matter is, I feel like the worst case scenario would be for them to tell me that we can't have a baby.  Well, for most women that would probably be traumatic.  For me, I have no attachment to actually carrying and birthing a baby.  I have an attachment to having a family. I recognize that it upsets me when I'm not pregnant, as that is the way we have chosen to initially go about having our family, but adoption is not something that scares me, or something that would have my family be "less than" or something that I wouldn't want to do.  There's many ways to have a family, and I don't think one way is better than any other.  My husband might take some convincing on that, but if they say we can't, then we move to other options.  Regardless of the outcome I'm excited to have some answers.  I'm excited to get a move on, in one way or another.  I'm excited to just know.  Will update after the appointment!  Wish us luck!

funnies

Ok, obviously I was reading up on getting pregnant and IVF and so forth...duh, am I awake?...and came across this gem and it made me laugh out loud!

The conclusion? Emotional distress (whether related to IVF, infertility, or other life events) had no effect on the likelihood of getting pregnant. As James Grifo, M.D., program director of the New York University Fertility Center puts it: "Stress is not contraception. If it were, no one in New York would get pregnant."

That is all :)

Proud to be an American!

I voted this morning!  Picked the right time to get to the polls and walked right up!  YES!!  I'm so fired up right now! This is my blog so I get to say what I want and I say ROMNEY/RYAN 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I proudly wear my Georgia voter sticker!  I hope everyone excercised their right to vote, whichever way you lean and have an AWESOME day!!!

just relax and you'll get pregnant

well hot damn!  Why didn't I think of that?!

I think that's my favorite thing people say to me.  "You're too stressed out about this.  Just relax, go on vacation.  You know, that happened to a friend of mine..."  "Oh yeah?  Fuck off  That's really great for them."

A few of my other favorites: "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen."  Oh yeah?  When's that?  When you're in a loving marriage? When you have steady jobs?  When you have a house that's ready for a family?  Well, perhaps I should look into all those things.  Oh, wait...

Or "If you can't have kids you can have one of mine!"  Newsflash...I don't want one of yours.  I want one of mine.  And nobody else wants one of yours either. Sorry.  

And then there's "If it's meant to be, it'll happen." Wait, what?  Like, OH! Where do I take the "I'm worthy of being a parent" test?  I'll sign up for that one! I'm not a very good test taker though, so maybe that's why.

And my all time favorite "You can't get pregnant because you work out too much."  First of all, I'm so far from UNDERweight that it's upsetting.  And it's people that are UNDERweight that have messed up cycles.  Yes, I excercise.  Often.  But I'm not a flipping marathon runner that doesn't get her period. 

For anyone that has a friend or family member going through this, the correct response is, "I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  It must be difficult."

People are dumb.  That is all.  Have a pleasant afternoon ;)

Oh, you're a chemical engineer?

Me, "that sounds very interesting"
Other person, "yeah, I really enjoy it. What do you do?"
Me, "I miscarry."

Ok, that didn't happen but it may as well have. I knew it was going to happen. I could feel it. Sure enough...Friday was the day. I called my nurse, as I was told to do. After talking to Dr. M he decided it is for sure time to see a specialist. They gave me the name and number to who they refer to and I called and left a message. It was late on Friday that I called so I'm expecting a call tomorrow to schedule an appointment. So, I'm a planner to the max, so I was on the website of the fertility clinic to see what the first office visit would be like. I was quite surprised to see that they will spend at minimum an hour with us and by the time we are done they will have diagnosed us AND have a plan in place. That's what I'm talking about!! Of course I've already printed off the paperwork and filled out the medical history for both of our families. Did I mention I'm a planner?  I also looked at the possible causes of infertility and the treatments for each cause. I obviously looked at the causes for recurrent miscarriage and it's interesting stuff. I'll be taking a month off the clomid because Dr. M wouldn't prescribe it as he doesn't know what new Dr. S will say. I'm pretty happy about that. But I also recognize I might be put on a whole slew of other drugs in the next month. We shall see. I'm also slightly afraid of  the other testing I might have to have. The previous tests haven't been sunshine and butterflies. I'm actually really terrified of having an HSG with the dye instead of the bubbles. Eeeek!! But I'll take whatever's given to me. Well, sort of. I'm not sure about IVF (if it came to that). I'll need to talk statistics vs cost vs drug injections vs what it's going to do to me before we would talk about IVF vs adoption. Here I go again with the worst case scenario thinking. I should stop that. But I won't ;) so now we wait until we meet with Dr. S and know where to go from there.

PS my puppy is a genius and I'm pretty sure he's housebroken after 2 weeks. No accidents in the house since Wednesday and he stands at the back door when he needs to go out!  Now to work on the chewing...

puppies for sure, babies maybe

We got the best puppy ever.  I'm just saying.  He's an evil genius.  He already knows his name, "come" and "sit."  And my god he's precious! This pup LOVES to chill.  He has two modes: playtime (including but not limited to, trying to eat the cat, picking up his water bowl in his mouth, no matter if it's full of water or not which can lead to dumping water ALL over the floor, and carrying it around, running like a wild man in the yard with his big brother, and chewing his toys -or trying to chew other things but listens pretty well when we tell him no and give him the right things to chew on- ) & passed out.  He is QUITE the daddy's boy.  Brody follows Josh around like Tucker follows me around.  It's so cute! I should also say that while having 2 dogs is a lot of work, it's also a lot easier because they really entertain each other :) My mom told me the other day that she thinks Josh is a genius for getting us a puppy.  She also recognizes the pup as the distraction (which is really working for the most part...I haven't been stressed about getting pregnant until...like yesterday - more to follow on that) but she thinks this is a very healthy thing.  Giving us something to do instead of stress out about not having babies!  She's right!  Brody is filling all sorts of voids!  Sweet story moment...last Sunday morning I had gotten up, gotten Brody from his crate, taken the boys out to potty and eat, then gone back up to bed and the 4 of us were in the bed snuggling.  Josh and I were both laying with our arms above our heads you know? and he looked at me and reached for my hand and held it and said he was happy with the little family that we have so far.  He's a good one, I tell ya. 

Now let's talk fertilization!  FUN!

So, tuesday, my bff Judy (ok, fine, she's just my nurse) called from Dr. M's office.  She sounded perplexed.  She asked about my previous cycle, I went through the whole process with her again, about getting the high progesterone level, feeling pregnant, then starting, going in and meeting with Dr. M and blah blah blah.  I said that he had told me I was pregnant last cycle but m/c very early.  She said, "Right.  You're probably pregnant again because your progesterone was a 30 this time too." Joy and rapture right?! Something like that.  I flat out said to her, "well, as I live in a constant state of the worst case scenario, if I start Dr. M said that should this happen again we have to go after why it's happening." She then said, "yes, if you start we have to send you somewhere else."  Ummm...mixed feelings about this. For starters my doctor knows everything that has happened with me and my broken anatomy since I was 20 years old.  He's extremely calming.  He almost makes the shitty things that happen ok because his bedside manner is amazing.  So going through this with a doctor like him has been a blessing.  Not like I would never see him again, because he still is my GYN, but you know what I mean :) Having to learn a new doctor is sometimes weird.  Dr. M gets me.  This is starting to sound creepy...I'm talking about a man who's job is my vagina. Moving on.  So on the flip side of that, it's time to see a specialist.  Oh, I should mention why I'm going off the deep end and my nurse told me I'm probably pregnant. This would be because I've had negative tests and all period symptoms are a go.  The tell-tale sign that I'm about to bleed (I have so much tact) is if my back hurts, and indeed it does...so I'm saying I'm out.  Could be wrong, but I'm going with no.  Back to the specialist.  It's time.  I know this.  Josh knows this.  Everyone in my life knows this but I was really struggling with pulling the plug on it.  I have a REALLY hard time giving up on something.  Meaning I was having a hard time on giving up on the options that my doctor had given me.  And now that it will be his recommendation to move on I feel supported and have a sense of "this is the right thing to do" about it.  All this said, maybe we won't have to see a specialist, but if we do, so be it.  We will live, we will be happy and we will get our baby one way or the other.  For now we will just have a 4-legged baby ;)

oopsie!

Hey, remember last week when Josh and I had decided that having a puppy right now isn't the best idea?  And remember when we had looked at the litters ready for adoption end of Nov or Dec?  And remember when we said since we are actively trying to get pregnant that having a puppy and a baby would be too much work?  And remember when I was scared about Tucker's feelings toward a new puppy? Yeah, well we said screw all that and got our new puppy, Brody, this weekend! Sargent Nicholas Brody Cohen to be exact :) He is not a terrorist, nor does he play one on TV.

 

Honestly, look how handsome he is!  He's SO sweet it's unreal.  He's a silver lab which means his mom was a mix of chocolate and champagne, and his dad is actually red! At the breeder when he came out of his kennel area he ran up to Josh immediately, so he picked him up and put him on his back (to check his demeanor and if he would challenge Josh) "Munson" (that's what they had named him, I would have been fine keeping the name...GO DAWGS...but he's just more of a Brody anyway and Josh would NEVER allow one of his dogs to be named after a UGA legend ;) )went limp and just chilled out on his back.  Sign of a great dog! 

 

Then we went to Aunt Jenn's to meet his cousin Murphy.  They got along swimmingly!  And then it was bath time.  He smelled a LOT like puppy so he needed a delicious hylite bath.  Aunt Jenn helped give him a bath...bonding experience.

He's obviously having a hard time adjusting ;) He was such a good boy his first night.  He didn't whine at ALL in his crate, he didn't go potty in his crate all night AND he slept through the night!  In comparison to his big brother as a puppy, so far Brody is kicking Tuck's rear end! My poor Tuck whined all night for a solid week. Obviously he's perfectly fine now, as he hogs the entire bed.

 

Bro Co and Tuck are getting along fine so far.  They're still feeling each other out, but Tuck is being very gentile with him.  It's amazing how they just "know" what to do.  I don't have any pics of them together because they are really busy chasing balls and running into each other so doesn't make for a good still photo :) There will be MANY to come!  And Brody is obsessed with Owen.  He keeps running up to him and licking his face.  So far, my O Co hasn't swatted or hissed at him...I'm thinking they might be one big happy family eventually!  YAY! 





puppy fever

So...we want a puppy.  Yes, it's true.  Will this puppy be filling the baby void?  Probably.  I'm ok with it.  The breeder we got Tuck from (I know, I know...rescuing is the way to go...unless your husband is in the vet industry and is VERY particular about the kinds of dogs we get and knowing their history...sue us, would ya) has many litters being born between now and the holidays.  Silver labs!  That's right!  Gorgeous dogs.  Now, some background...it is roughly once a month I will go to Petsmart and text Josh a pic of a puppy with the subject line "can I bring him/her home?" And his response is generally one of the following: "Babe..." or "Why do you do this every time you leave the house" or "Please no" haha!  Well there I was on facebook at work (oops) and I'm friends with the breeder and they had a litter of silvers that were ready for adoption.  Please note they were born ON MY BIRTHDAY therefore I was convinced this was destiny.  So what do I do? I text a pic of "Munson" to my doting husband with a message saying that razzle dazzle has a new litter available and please look at this precious face.  I was fully prepared for one of his normal responses.  This time I figured it would be something like "you really have to stop this, I don't want another dog" :) but he didn't say that!  He said "wow, he's cute."  Um DUH!  So then there was some conversation about getting a new pup and we really did agree that right now is not the best time.  Having a big dog it's important to be able to train them properly and we aren't home enough right now to have a puppy.  I honestly 100% agreed.  Keeping in mind I'm leaving my job at the end of March (HELL YES) to go do my own adventure (hopefully teaching Zumba and making babies) then we could revisit the idea when I'm home.  Absolutely.  Fast forward 4 hours.  There I am in the kitchen making dinner (I'm effing susie homemaker) and Josh says to the DOG "Tucker, do you want a little brother?" and I screamed "omg YOU want a puppy!!!" He said that he really does want a puppy.  Turns out he doesn't want a mut from Petsmart (sorry) but he wants labs and only labs.  Um OK! Have you seen how gorgeous my dog is?!  Not the brightest crayon in the box (he eats socks) but my god he's beautiful! And not to mention his gentle demeanor and lovable-ness :) So...then this crazy brain of mine started chugging.  I was on the RDL website and saw that they're expecting litters to be ready to go home in late Oct, late Nov, late Dec AND late Jan!  I said, well the month of December is very slow at work and we are required to take 2 weeks off anyway...I have vacation time so I could take the week before off and have 3 weeks to get deep into training the new pup and then I'm basically done working a few months after that!  He is not totally against this idea...and I'm peeing myself.  Josh's only other point was that we are actively trying to get pregnant, and having a puppy and a baby is a lot.  Agreed.  HOWEVER, I'm not even pregnant yet therefore there's a MINIMUM of 9 months before we would have both and the puppy wouldn't be a puppy (ok kind of) anymore. (Did I mention this is filling the void??:) )  At least he would be housebroken and able to stay alone a little longer.  Then I said "Don't you want a houseful of kids and dogs?!" He said he does but he doesn't want a houseful of pee and chewing.  Well...having kids will destroy our house too...I'm not too worried ;)

All that being said this may not pan out.  The only reason I wouldn't be sad about it is because I worry that Tucker won't like having a brother.  He is on a very strict sleeping schedule (much like his mother) and loves his down time.  He's past the puppy stage and into the lounging part of life.  He is basically retired.  If it's past 10pm and we aren't in bed he is legitimately pissed :) But maybe he would love having a brother.  He does LOVE other dogs (shout out to his cousin, Murphy)  Who knows! but this is fun!!

I'm allowed to brag

Especially about my husband!  I'm just so proud of Josh.  He is amazing at what he does for a living.  Like, so good.  So good it's scary :) He's actually the smartest person I know.  He's well known in his industry as the master of sales.  And the way his brain works (rain man style) is pretty fascinating.  He is so quick with numbers, and the way he can get you to do anything is unreal.  Like the time he convinced my sister to go white water rafting.  She went from crying about how she didn't want to go to then being excited ;)  So, the reason for being so proud of him is that at his sales meeting last week he had to give a presentation.  Well, everyone had to give a presentation, but they were only supposed to last like 15-20 minutes.  Josh was asked to give 2 presentations at an hour each! One about ultrasound in the veterinary industry (what he used to do) and then the other about how his company played a role in keeping our Tucker Pup alive during his surgeries in July.  He showed a slide show of Tuck's surgeries, us sleeping on the floor with him at the animal hospital for 3 nights (that's right...for our dog), and his recovery.  He named which labs were sent to his company and the role that the equipment and lab played in knowing which next step to take with his own dog.  It was pretty awesome and apparently almost had people in tears because they needed to make sure that Tuck was going to be ok!  He was ok in the end so it's a heart-warming story and fun that he got to share that with his co-workers.  He even mentioned in his presentation about how he "had to ask his wife if it was ok to call his ex-girlfriend to get her opinion on what the next course of action should be for his dog in critical condition" and got a good chuckle out of the audience by letting them know how thrilled I was about that.  She's this big-wig animal internist up north...whatevs.  I honestly didn't care at all.  What he didn't tell the group was what his rather inappropriate wife ACTUALLY said.  Which was "she can (insert expletive) you for all I care if she knows how to save Tucker"  Oops...I shouldn't say those things :) He took that as the green light to go ahead and call her.  Ha!  Man am I glad he did, because her opinion was absolutely the right one and may have played a large part in the fact that my boy is alive and crazy as ever now. 

Next topic: I hate Halloween.  I hate everything about it except little kids dressed cutely.  I hate monsters and masks and people being dressed up and trying to scare me. How is this fun for people?? I have a deadening fear of masks (and drag queens...I don't like not knowing what's REALLY under there) hence the hate for this holiday.  That being said, somehow last night I was convinced to do a zombie walk with my girlfriends (and forcing my husband to go so I don't cry alone on the street when I become terrified :) ) I'm going to try to be a big girl.  I decided I want to be a zombie bride.  Now, I hate Halloween but I freaking LOVE doing hair & makeup so I'm pretty stoked about it.  I'm going to Goodwill to find an old wedding dress (yes I've thought of how disgusting wearing someone else's old wedding dress will be...I might need to wear long johns underneath it)  I watched some zombie make up tutorials to ensure that my look is legit and my sister promises me that if I look like everyone else there that they won't torture me.  I'm going to go with it...

the joys of pregnancy

Had my dr appointment this morning.  Turns out I was pregnant.  How exciting...  that's miscarriage #2 for anyone that's counting.  This one clearly not ANYTHING like the first one but nonetheless it still "counts" the same, as in he told me that if this happens again we have to go after why it's happening.  They don't usually do anything until after you've had 3 miscarriages.  PS, that's a lot.  He also told me that he doesn't have any reason to believe that I can't go on to carry a baby to term, so this may just be a bump in the road.  I'm really effing sick of having bumps in the road instead of in my belly.

 I'm going to make my next post something positive and funny...I'm determined

the hits keep on comin'

I love back to back posts.  I'm obviously very busy at work today...

As I said, I called in my clomid scrip.  Well, just got a call from the nurse and went as follows:
Joanne: Hey Jill, you started and your progesterone was that high?
Me: Yes
Joanne: When?
Me: Saturday
Joanne: Wow.
Me: Yeah, tell me about it
Joanne: Like a normal cycle?
Me: No, worse than normal...the amount of advil I took, I assure you, is not good for my liver (I make jokes when I'm uncomfortable ;))
Joanne: Ok, if it's that uncomfortable you may have developed cysts. We can't give you any more drugs until you have an exam to make sure you don't have cysts
Me: I'll be there tomorrow

So basically, they're shocked I'm not pregnant and are concerned they're blowing out my ovaries again.  Man, this is fun!!

The saga continues.  But how jacked up is it that I'm happy they're checking everything?  Pretty jacked up but I sure am glad!

yet another month

Called in my clomid rx today.  We know what that means.  I knew on Friday that I wasn't pregnant...I could just tell.  So had my emotional breakdown on Friday, then on Saturday when the bitch actually showed up I was ok.  The visual was something else: in my sweatpants, heating pad stuffed inside said sweatpants, glasses on, hair a mess, watching the UGA game....UGHHHHHHHHH...eating pizza.  That's right.  I ate REAL pizza.  With cheese and everything.  Holy crap it was good.  I feel like hell today because of it, but at the time I needed comfort :)  My husband is the coolest cat around.  When I came out of the bathroom and said I had started, he went to the store and got me a "period survival kit" including Advil, sour worms and oreos (which, did you know oreos have no dairy in them?? BONUS! - wait, I just said I ate pizza...oops) I'm feeling ok now.  It is what it is, and there's nothing I can do to change it.  I find comfort in always having a "next step" and we have decided that if I'm not pregnant in the next 2 months (being the 2nd 3-month round of crazy pills) then it's time to see a specialist.  It was probably time before but I'm in denial :) but over 2 years of trying with miscarriages in between...yeah, it's probably time :)  As for now, I'm going to enjoy this delicious fall weather and run my little tail off.  OH!  I had registered to run the silver comet half marathon a couple months ago...which is at the end of this month.  Perhaps I should train for it?  I mean, I run often, so I could do it without training if I needed to, but I'm sure as shit not going to beat my time from last year.  But let's get real, I know myself and I know that by the time it's time to run the half I will not have started my next cycle, so I won't know if I'm actually pregnant yet so I probably won't run it.  Heh...or maybe I will start testing at 7dpo again ( :) ) and will know I'm not pregnant and can run it.  Oh, I don't know...for now I'll run my measly 5-6 miles in the gym, call it a day and worry about getting my race t-shirt later :)

ugh

real pregnancy test is negative. I think I'm out this month.  I hate this.

holycrapholycrapholycrap

Judy (my BFF nurse at Dr M's office) just called.  It went a little something like this:

Judy: This is good news.  Great news even.
Jill: Ok, does that mean my level was high?
Judy: Yes, very high.  A 32.
Jill: *starts crying* Omg I think I'm going to cry!
Judy: I would too! If you don't start your period, come in ASAP for bloodwork.  Congrats!


Cynical Cindy left for a little bit :) Here right now is Overjoyed Olga!  Wait...that makes me sound like an Ogre...

WHATEVER I'M PUMPED!!!!

cynical cindy

I hate how cynical I've become...

I blame my uterus. And Facebook.

For instance, I'm 10 dpo (I freaking think...the doc hasn't called with my blood results from MONDAY to make sure I ovulated...I called this morning and left a message that I need my results.  Don't they know they're working with stage 5 crazy here??) and of COURSE I peed on a stick this morning. Ok maybe I've been peeing on sticks since 7dpo (did I mention I'm crazy?) but I can afford to thanks to www.early-pregnancy-tests.com :) In the fertility blog world those are referred to as "internet cheapies" and they rule!  Anyway my internet cheapie was negative.  And already I'm convinced I'm out this month.  It's 4 days before I should be testing and I'm already convinced...I think they call that being jaded.  heh. 

Forget about pregnancy announcements...make me want to punch someone in the face!  I know that's insensitive and I should be happy for other people...and I am happy for some of them that they are getting to experience the "joys of pregnancy" and motherhood, but I also want to scream in their faces.  Oops.  And then there's the people who complain about their pregnancy on the ever-wonderful facebook.  "Omg I can't believe I had to wait an HOUR to hear my baby's heartbeat."  Hey, why don't you go fuck yourself.  Oh, that's rude, Jill...don't say things like that. 

Obviously when I see a baby my heart melts and my uterus skips a beat.  It's not the baby's fault they're awesome and they're mom complained the whole time she was baking them :)

I should also say I recognize that I have zero idea if some of these women that I want to punch have had struggles of their own.  I know some of them haven't, and those are generally the complainers.  Funny how that works isn't it?

Remember earlier when I said the drugs weren't making me crazy?  I think I lied...

In lighter news, my sister paid for my mani/pedi last night for watching their dog while they were honeymooning, so that ruled. 

So, that's my rant.  Maybe I'm pregnant so I'm moody or maybe the drugs are making it happen, but I ranted, now I'm done.  I declare that the rest of my day will be joyful! Happy October, and happy thursday all!

I love fall

The weather here is awesome in the morning and night right now.  I love it!  I'm excited about the holidays (except Halloween, bc let's get real I despise Halloween...jumping out in masks to scare people is NOT my idea of fun).  I'm excited to go do fall adventures with my friends.  We're planning a fun fall day with the blonde squad here shortly.  Pumpkins (picking, carving, cooking the seeds!), apple cider, hay rides, scarves, pictures with fall leaves...I sound like such a nerd but I'm so pumped!  Sometimes I have to sit back and take a look at the people in my life and realize how lucky I am.  I have the best friends in the world :)

So...yes, I got all sappy.  It's what I do lately apparently.  The Clomid hasn't made me crazy in the slightest (ok, except that one time asshat in my office pissed me off, but I don't care much for him in general so I'm going to blame that one on his general demeaner and annoying personality and not the drugs) but it has made me QUITE emotional.  Case in point: last night while watching Grey's Anatomy I literally couldn't breathe I was crying so hard.  (WHY MARK SLOAN, WHY???????) I'm unsure it's normal the amount I was crying over this.  Over a TV show.  I even had to text my mom about it:

Me: I already can't handle this
Mom: I know.  I don't like new people either
Me: I'm hysterical...damn show
Mom: I guess I'm hard core.  Ok, sad, but not as bad as Denny and George
Me: omg I can't breathe

She's probably right...in the grand scheme of Grey's, the deaths of Denny and George were more traumatic (007 anyone??) but I cried more at this one.  Because I cry lately.  A lot.  Yes, I just based my emotional unstability on Grey's Anatomy...just let me.  And it's not even that I'm THAT sad...I just can't control the tears :) I'll take it over being megabitch any day! I'm confident Josh agrees. 

just plain joy all around!

This past weekend my sister got married.  The wedding was absolutely stunning.  It was so perfect.  So very them.  It was romantic and hilarious all in one.  She looked freaking gorgeous.  Everyone had an amazing time.  The DJ was perfect (of course...go Derek!) and the party was epic.  Drinks were certainly flowing.  Just ask my husband ;) All in all it was her perfect day and here's a few pics from the evening

My sis and new brother!

 

siblings :)

 

drunk cohens

 

 

Also, my toast went off without a hitch...got some great laughs...until I was crying and snotted on myself...so hot...but I was really on my game and had lots of people in tears!  yay!

 

 

Now, onto more joy!  As we know, I started clomid again this month.  It has yet to make me crazy.  AWESOME!  Dr. M started me back at 50mg and I was like, um...50mg didn't work last time.  He's all...we like to start over because your body changes and we don't want to overstimulate too soon.  I was pissed, but obviously I do what he says...because I love him.  Wait, what?  Anyway...last night this happened...

 

 

Now, some might be wondering "what the hell is that?"  THAT, my friends, is a positive ovulation test!  HELL YES!  Note that the two lines are the same size and the test line is actually darker than the control line!  YAY!  On ovulation tests there are usually two lines always, but the only time you know it's positive is if they are the same color, or the test line is darker than the control line.  WELL HELLO TWO LINES!!  This is a big deal.  I haven't had a positive ovulation test in I couldn't tell you how long.  I jumped around in my living room for a solid 3 minutes.  Then went and did "other things"  TMI?  Whatevs.  I'M OVULATING! Now, I go next monday for the "real" results...blood work to for sure confirm that this test isn't lying but I'm feeling good!  Let's all think happy fertilization thoughts for the next 6 days.  I'm feeling good with my changed diet, blown open tubes, positive test, and the other signs of ovulation!  Hip Hip HOOORAY!!!



 

happy rosh hashanah to all and to all...

some nausea.  Clearly the last name "Cohen" is just for display...we don't celebrate Jewish holidays :) Day 3 of clomid and ah, yes, I remember this feeling...like I'm going to ralph at any moment.  The side effects of clomid mimic those of pregnancy...rad!  If my tummy gets empty I get nauseated.  And all I want to do is eat pizza, but instead I'm eating a mango...yummmm...or something. I'm really going to try to not gain weight this time around...until it's BABY WEIGHT!  YIPEE!!!!

fun fun fun

T - 2 days until I take the crazy pills. Watch out world! But more importantly, my big sis is getting married NEXT WEEKEND! So excited!! Next week something fun is happening almost every day. Wednesday, manis/pedis with the girls for Kelli's bday and pre-wedding nails, thursday is the spray tan par-tay! We know a pumpkin of a lady who does professional spray tanning. You know, so we don't end up looking like Ross Gellar...

 

I'm an EIGHT????
 

 

 A bunch of us (including my father...that's right) are getting spray tanned so we can look bronzed in Jenn's pics instead of looking like Casper.  Then Friday is the rehearsal and the BIG DAY on saturday!!!  I've been working on my toast (MOH here!) because I have some seriously big shoes to fill, as Jenn's toast at my wedding was something fierce.  Aaaaaand...turns out I can't stop crying about this wedding!  I'm just so happy for them. 

Other fun and exciting things...my desk at work is FINALLY clear.  I am caught up on my filing since *ahem* April, and am up to date on everything else.  Thank god for KC our lovely new admin!  She has saved my life! Yay life!!

Veganpluseggs

I'm about to be real honest with myself...I know that I always have to be "doing" something.  Whether it's stressing about getting knocked up, training for another half marathon (which, oops, the training isn't going so well..heh), figuring out how to become a Zumba instructor, blah blah blah...if I have nothing "to do" I get bored and can't handle myself.  Ha!  So while I'm waiting to start my crazy pills again I decided to give being a vegan a shot...ok, ok, I'm still eating eggs, but I've been pretty damn close this week! I wanted to try for just a week to see if it's something I/We could actually do. It's something that I have been researching for quite a while and something I wanted to see how it fit into our lifestyle, etc.  Much to my surprise, Josh hasn't completely resisted this idea.  Perhaps it's because this was how the conversation went:

Jill - "Hey, do you want sloppy joes this week?"
Josh - "Um, yeah!"
Jill - "Ok, what about a sheperd's pie?"
Josh - "I would love that."
Jill - "Ok, how about spinach and mushroom sandwiches?"
Josh - "This all sounds awesome!"
Jill - "Ok, I'm going to the store."

What he didn't know was that I was on the computer searching vegan recipes and looked LONG and HARD (that's what she said) to find things he would eat.  I found these amazing recipes and hit the store.  Everything I bought was vegan & gluten free (because I'm insane and do that too most of the time) except coffee creamer for Josh, and much to my surprise, it wasn't that expensive. 

Things that I had never bought before:
-gluten free English muffins (they're freaking delish...and also $6...uh...)
-tempeh (used this to make the sloppy joes and my goodness it was awesome)
-portobello mushroom tops (in all honesty, giant mushrooms kinda freak me out)

So far I've made an amazing giant salad with mixed greens, tomatoes, artichokes, mushrooms, chick peas, with fresh lemon and olive oil dressing (shout out to Val for this one), portobello tops in balsamic vinegar and garlic (they did not creep me out when they were deliciously swirling around in my mouth), which we ate with salad and a sweet potato, and last night I made the sloppy joes on GF english muffins.  I'm not about to lie about it...they ruled.  I even took a picture to remember them by :) Don't mind my janky place mat...that's what happens on a random wednesday night...

 

 

 

Josh even liked them!  SWEET SUCCESS!!  Whatever, I'm a loser, and this excites me.  Tonight I'm making the sheperd's pie...which I've never made a non-vegan sheperd's pie, so needless to say this will be an adventure.  Oh, also...I'm not doing this to "save the animals".  I think it's very admirable for people who are vegan to do that, but this is about 99% to do with the fact that I recognize what foods make me feel good and what foods don't and about 1% because I think baby pigs are cute.  

bachelorette debauchery at its finest

 

Heh. So, my sis had her bachelorette party this past weekend and we went down to Tybee Island and the entire weekend was a shit show. It was amazing! Girlfriends together, beaching, drinking, playing at dueling piano bars, wearing penis veils, wearing light up penis earrings, wearing crowns, eating seafood, eating way too many chips and dip, watching a fight break out in the parking lot of our condo, almost calling the police, laying in the pool, drinking in the pool, drinking on the beach, drinking in the condo (are you noticing a trend??), driving 5 hours each way with the "best car ever", jamming out to Mr. Big, watching two very different groups of friends mingling and co-habitating and becoming besties, etc. It was one of the most fun weekends of my life. Can't wait for the wedding! Here's a few pics from the weekend :)

 

 

 

 

Adorning her in her lovely penis attired

 

Meet the blonde squad.  This is what we like people to think we look like

 

At deeeeeelish dinner

 

Me & D

 

There's that fanastic veil

 

The morning after...this is what we all actually look like

 

more about babies...duh :)

Whilst at the doc's office on Monday in came a new mom with her baby boy that was probably 6 weeks old maximum.  This baby was delicious.  So teeny weeny in his little socks and pants.  He also had the hiccups.  It was kind of the most precious thing I've ever seen.  I wanted to eat him.  As I was staring at him (for far too long, might I add...I was like that creepy guy that stares at a hot chick a little too long) I had this realization that holy crap we could have one of those.  I know that sounds so weird...like, what the hell do you think you've been working toward, crazy lady, but I've been so in the world of "getting pregnant" that I almost forgot what the end prize was.  My life right now is about living in 2 week increments, science (I knew I should have paid better attention to science class) and statistics.  2 weeks from the start of your cycle to the day you ovulate then two weeks from the day you ovulate to the day you find out yes or no. Not to mention all the signs you pay attention to in those two week increments.  Oh, that was a weird cramp, or a flutter! Omg what does this mean?!?!?! Oh, it means nothing?  Rad!  Then, Ok let's talk about my anatomy to make sure all is working right. Poke, prod, etc. Then the statistics and odds that actually aren't in your favor.  There's only a 20% chance of getting pregnant each cycle (shout out to teen mom and 16 and pregnant...) that's not a lot in case anyone was wondering ;) So with all that that's been going on I kind of forgot what we get in the end.  A little baby with hiccups and a fierce jew fro :)

done and dusted

All testing is now complete.  Today I had my "procedure" and it was not an enjoyable experience. :) Much as I had heard and read that it would not be.  Especially since they had to do it TWICE.  I have "pesky tubes" per my doc.  Of course I do...why would I not??  But even though it was quite painful it's over now.  (TMI alert) So, insert speculum, insert catheter, remove speculum, insert vaginal ultrasound probe, blow bubbles into my cervix, watch bubbles fly through my fallopian tubes noting that they are open and ready for eggs!  That's how it was supposed to go.  Here's how it actually went: get in the stirrups, Dr. M comes in and high fives Josh because his results came back great (HELL YES SOME GOOD NEWS!) do a little sperm dance to myself, hear "ok, we will start now," have anxiety attack, insert speculum, insert catheter, squeeze Josh's hand so hard I white knuckle, remove speculum, insert ultrasound probe, feel pain and pressure, start to cry, blow bubbles, more pressure, still crying, hear "they're not moving," hear "we need to start over," cry some more, remove probe, remove catheter, ask "Jill, are you ok?"  Oh sure, why wouldn't I be?  This is so much fun! So let's start over...and they did.  I will say second time around it was much less uncomfortable, but I continued to cry because turns out I'm a huge vagina when it comes to my vagina. Once the bubbles were "blown in there" they just hung around for a while.  Not moving.  He turned the ultrasound to us (keeping in mind Josh can read ultrasound probably better than the ultrasound tech so he's completely enthralled by this and I kind of wanted to punch him in the face and tell him to wipe my tears instead of staring, gaping mouthed, at the ultrasound screen...I digress) so we could see what he was telling us.  There they were...little bubbles just sitting in my uterus.  Again, not moving.  So Dr. M put in some sort of balloon attachment thing to apply pressure to them to get them moving.  Apparently that worked because then we could see them moving through my right tube!  Yippee! The left tube had no movement, but apparently that's ok because we only need one to make babies.  So...long story short...it's possible both my tubes were blocked and he just blasted out the right one.  Awesome!  And SO comfortable!! I'm not about to lie about it, I continued to cry while I was getting cleaned up because once I start, there's no stopping this train.  Oops :) I probably scared all the women sitting outside the ultrasound room when I walked out, snot-nosed and bright purple.  Sorry chicas! Heh.  Then we met in Dr. M's office to discuss where to go from here.  Everything else has come back completely normal.  All the blood work they ran on me 2 weeks ago came back great,  with Josh's strong boys (again, insert sperm dance!) and now that I have a tube for said sperm to travel through we just need an egg. Well, I don't ovulate on my own (regularly)  so.........that means........crazy pills!  I'm kind of stoked about it now, which is funny because about a month ago I was adamant about NEVER taking them again, but now that I know that everything else is good I want to take clomid because I KNOW it works.  There's another option we could try (a different drug) but I don't know that it will work, and since we know clomid works we are going to use it. I'm just unwilling to try something else.  I'm pretty much done waiting :)  I said, "I'm willing to take clomid again, but Josh might divorce me." and Dr. M says "No, he knows what he's got.  You don't drive a Hyundai when you've got a Mercedes sitting in the garage." Have I ever mentioned how much I love him??  He gets that I'm crazy, but then he boosts my self esteem at every turn ;)  Fact: 80% of women who take clomid (and have open tubes and everything else is normal) get pregnant within 3 months.  Those are odds I like :)  Let's do this thing! But for now, my lady bits hurt, so today I'm going to lay on the couch, not go to the gym, and eat far too many carbs. 

the best show on TV

Is Breaking Bad.  Holy crap is this show amazing.  Josh and I started watching about 2 months ago (per the recommendation of my lovely sister and future bro-in-law) and we are completely caught up.  In case you were wondering, that's 58 hours of TV in 2 months...that's both embarrassing and awesome.  Jesse Pinkman is my favorite character EVER, Bitch!  Here's a few reasons why Jesse Rules

back to zero

WHEW!  This whole process is such a whilrwind to say the least.  Didn't update about my 3rd month on the crazy pills.  So here goes...they took my prescription down to 75mg from the 100mg that almost hyperstimulated my ovaries.  I did ovulate on the 75mg but still didn't get pregnant.  It's just a bummer.  The hormonal/emotional roller coaster was getting to be a bit much for me so I opted to take a month off from the crazy pills.  For 2 reasons: 1 - to let my hormones regulate and 2 - to let the lining of my uterus build back up (and maybe 3 - to try to lose the 6 lbs I had gained from the crazy pills...yay hormones)  Fact: one of the side effects of clomid is the possibility of the lining of your uterus thinning.  Which could potentially prevent pregnancy in and of itself because if there is thin lining and an embryo is created it has nothing to attach itself to.  Fun, right?! So the month I didn't take the pills was glorious :) I in fact DID ovulate on my own (which I had read could happen because the drug is technically still in your system) however Josh was out of town on business during "O" time.  Salt. In. The. Wound.  Anyway, that month was a wash, but obviously I knew I wouldn't be pregnant so when the bitch arrived that month it was nothing out of the ordinary.  So...here we are.  I called my OB to discuss possible alternatives to clomid/where to go from here and he suggested I come in and talk.  I'm glad I did that because we came up with a good gameplan.  Basically he wants to start over.  Pretend as if I've never been pregnant (as relates to my body) and do all appropriate testing to make sure Josh and I are both fertile and "ok." He said he's not giving me any more drugs until he knows we are both "normal."  So he took some (ok a LOT) of blood and ran all sorts of tests on me.  I had already had the procedure done to check for polyps/fibroids in my uterus and have had other blood work done throughout the last year so that leaves 2 things.  Josh has to get tested and I have to do an HSG/FemVue where they insert a catheter and blow bubbles into my cervix and watch them go through my fallopian tubes to make sure they're open.  Um, ouch.  I have a friend who had this done and she almost passed out and I've googled (again, my best friend, google) and everyone talks about how painful it is.  I'm wondering if I should take a Xanax, overdose on Advil or potentially both ;)  then once Josh gets tested, and I have my FemVue (which is happening on monday...took the day off work...joy :)) we will have covered all of our basis and we can then decide what the next course of action is.  He asked how I feel about this plan and I was very honest and told him I'm SO glad we are checking everything.  If for nothing else, to put my mind at ease.  I can live with "it just hasn't happened (again) yet" but I can't continue to wonder if everything is ok.  Now we will know.  I told him I'm completely neurotic and just knowing will relax me and maybe things can happen naturally? Ha!  We shall see.

I started laughing the other day because I was thinking about all of the precautions that I used to take to NOT get pregnant and the normal every day precautions people take...had I known it would be such a pain in the ass maybe I wouldn't have worried so much ;)

Anyway...onto the next.  We are very ready to take the next step, no matter what it is.  I've done a lot of reading about people's marriages falling apart because of infertility issues.  That was a legitimate fear of mine for a while because there's NO doubt about it, it is incredibly stressful. Then I took a step back and looked at our marriage and saw that we are actually stronger now than we ever have been.  Going through something TOGETHER is bringing us closer and the fact that we both have the same goal in mind and are not willing to accept failure is actually pretty awesome.  The other day Josh said to me, "I hope it is me." I asked why and he said, "Because then it's not you."  That right there is why we work.  Nobody is blaming the other person.  This is nobody's fault.  It is what it is and we will figure it out together :)

a journey ahead...

So...I'm wanting to keep a journal tracking my clomid successes/failures (as I had said before) so I have updates.  Month one I took 50mg clomid.  It made me completely insane.  Not even joking.  I felt totally out of control of my emotions (poor Josh) and there was NOTHING I could do about it.  Well turns out it didn't work.  I didn't ovulate.  I went cray cray for nothing.  I was seriously bummed out, and to be honest a little afraid of what was to come because I knew they were going to bump up my dosage.  Sure enough, they said they're bumping me up to 100mg.  I was really unsure of how I was going to react to DOUBLE dosage of the crazy pills so I did some online research.  Duh...google is my best friend.  I had read that some women took it at night and that really helped with mood swings, etc.  So I followed suit.  I took the crazy pills at night on the 2nd cycle.  It DEFINITELY helped in the fact that it didn't make me crazy at all.  Josh actually said they made me nicer this time around :) but the hot flashes were something else!  I had heard my menopausal mother talk about hot flashes and now I can sympathize!  They're no joke.  I woke up every night in a pool of my own sweat...hot.  So then began the waiting game.  All was fine and well until about day 16 when I woke up in SEVERE pain.  I haven't felt pain like that in a LONG time.  It felt like my ovaries were going to explode and my entire abdomen hurt.  I honestly was more scared than anything.  I called the doc and told him what was up and he said I needed to go get ultrasounded to make sure my ovaries hadn't been hyperstimulated (greeeeat...).  So the next day I go get ultrasounded and turns out I had cysts rupture which caused the pain but ALSO I had released TWO eggs!  yippeee!  I was so excited.  The nurse called with my bloodwork results a few days later and sure enough, my hormone level was high.  So...yay, I'm ovulating!  Can't get pregnant without an egg, so at the very least, the pain was worth it because things are working.  I'm not pregnant this cycle, even though I released both eggs, so I was pretty bummed (and by pretty bummed I mean let the depression sink in...let me say I think it's jacked up that you find out you're not pregnant AND start your period on the same day. With the added element of the mega hormones from the crazy pills.   Talk about hormonal overload...) but truth be told we can only say for sure that this was our "first" month trying in knowing that I had ovulated.  So...onto the next month.........

coffee creamer delight!

I've recently started to cut WAY back (eventually completely back) on dairy.  It's made me feel a ton better and honestly, my pants fit better :) I'm not doing it as a weigh loss tool, but as a general health tool.  I realized that I don't eat much dairy to begin with but I DO enjoy delish coffee creamer in my coffee in the morning.  And I take my coffee VERY Seriously ;)  So, I decided to make a dairy and sugar free creamer.  It was a success!

can of organic coconut milk
1 organic, cage free egg
vanilla
unsweetened cocoa powder
honey
some stevia to taste if you want it more sweet

AWESOME!

a fresh start...

So...it's been a year since I've blogged.  Oopsie.  Well, there's decent reason for this I suppose.  In general, I don't like it to be public knowledge the struggles I've gone through, but I'm hoping writing it down will keep me strong and also one day I'll be able to look back at this and think "man, that time sucked but look what we have now."  btw...this post talks about girly parts and things :)

Last may Josh and I decided we wanted to start trying to have a family...again.  It was roughly a year and some change before that that we had originally started trying.  After 6 months with no success I got positive pregnancy tests!  YAY!  A line is a line right?!  Not so much.  I had been pregnant for 6 days before it was over.  A blink of an eye.  I was told it was a "chemical pregnancy" which means a lot of things went right before they went wrong.  Sperm met egg, did a little dance down the fallopian tube, made it's way into the uterus but never attached.  So the pregnancy hormone was there, hence why I was getting positive pregnancy tests, but I was never actually pregnant.  My, the things you learn along the way...I had never heard of such a thing, but then it happened.  It's devastating to think you're pregnant and then you're not.  I sort of gave up for a while.  6 months with nothing, then complete joy that you FINALLY did it, then it's taken away.  Not fun.  Fast forward to May 2011...

There we are at J. Christophers having sunday brunch and Josh says he's ready to start trying again.  Alright!  Me too!  Voila, that same month I got pregnant.  (keeping in mind I had started working out, lost 30 lbs, quit smoking, etc...perhaps that had something to do with my ability to get pregnant right away...those doctors know what they're talking about ;)) We were so happy!   It really seemed unreal.  I felt like I kept waiting for it to be over, since that's how it happened last time.  But after many rounds of bloodwork, hcg levels doubling, progesterone where it should be, an ultrasound at 7weeks where we saw our little bean's heartbeat (140 :)) I really was pregnant!  I also was very reserved.  I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't ever let myself get overly excited.  It's almost as if I knew something was wrong.  Sure enough...I was 11 weeks pregnant when it all came to a crashing hault.  The details are pretty gruesome so I'm not going to get into that, but it is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  It was a horrible thing to go through.  A horrible thing to see.  A horrible thing to feel.  A horrible thing to hear "you've had a miscarriage." And the worst part...there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it.  It's heart wrenching.  As of right now I wonder if it's something I'll ever get over, but, again, I'm hopeful that in 2 years from now we will have a happy, healthy baby and the memories of our losses, while not forgotten, won't hurt like this. 

So...sad story over.  The reason I'm writing this is because some things have changed.  Since the miscarriage my cycles were not "normal."  I'm pretty in tune with my body and I knew something was different.  Sure enough...I wasn't ovulating.  Well, when you decide to start trying again (which we have) you have to drop an egg to get pregnant :) Happy Easter, all!  Sooo...with the recommendation of Dr. M I started clomid this cycle.  I was a little apprehensive because I do not like taking drugs or meds.  I won't even take them if I have a headache, but desperate times call for desperate measures :)  This is a pretty big deal.  Mainly because I've declared that I will get pregnant in the next 3 months and our baby will go to term and I'll deliver a healthy baby.  Not like I actually have any say in it but it's my declaration and I'm sticking to it :)