as if I wasn't terrified enough

I am a google junkie.  I would shoot the information I get from google straight into my vein and regurgitate it to anyone that asked if I could.  I google...everything.  Some people think I'm smart, but in all actuality, I just research EVERYTHING. I know which Tristan Prettyman song is in response to which Jason Mraz song, I know how to change the headlight in my Jeep, I know basically every statistic there is on getting pregnant, I know how to spell Pterodactyl, I know proper clothing etiquette for the seasons (which I'm about to break bc I want to wear a post-Easter outfit pre-Easter darnit!) and I now know the possibilities of carrying a baby when you have Sjogren's syndrome and that the antibodies can penetrate the placenta and dry out your amniotic fluid and suffocate the baby or that the baby carried by a woman with Sjogren's can sometimes have congenital heart failure. The internet can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Damn you/Thank you google! I also know there is a program in Georgia for surrogacy.  Because I'm actually insane and research everything to the nth degree before ever making a decision.  It's part of my charm right?  RIGHT?  Oh, no?  Yeah, I'm just insane.

Meeting with Dr. P next week to see what he has to say.  I was already on the fence about all the drugs, mainly the steroids that I might have to continue throughout a pregnancy if my NKC's are still high, being ok for baby.  Now, if I have to take more drugs, I'm not ok with this.  It's as if the baby is going to be fighting just to steer clear of my crazy immune system from the get-go.  Josh is all, "I'm sure Dr. P will have something to do" and, as much as I am interested in hearing what he has to say, it's his JOB to "fix things."  He's a doctor.  I'm sure there's a "fix" for this problem too, but we need to really look at if these fixes are healthy for a teeny embryo to be undergoing.  Sure, there's a possibility that everything would be fine and I wouldn't have to take the extra drugs, but there's also the possibility that it wouldn't be fine and I would have to take lots of drugs.  Seems a little selfish to me to put a little baby through the ringer (and potentially harming them) just so I "can experience being pregnant."  Can we say surrogate?  Say it together now...Surr-o-gate

dry boogers in one of the most humid places around

Georgia is effing humid.  Always.  My hair falls roughly 45 seconds after I curl it, the fly-aways around my forehead are insane, and it's so damn hot in the summer you feel like you're asphyxiating.  I have to use a humidifier...in Georgia.  Because I wake up with dry boogs daily.  Yes, a humidifier...not a DEhumidifier.   thought I was just weird.  Turns out no.  Turns out there's a reason.  Hey, remember when I went to the Hematologist and Rheumatologist a couple weeks ago? Well, got a call back from my Rheum, and turns out I have Sjodgren's Syndrome.  WTH is that, right?  That's what I thought.  Here you go:

About Sjögren's Syndrome

Sjögren’s is a chronic autoimmune disease in which people’s white blood cells attack their moisture-producing glands. Today, as many as four million Americans are living with this disease. Although the hallmark symptoms are dry eyes and dry mouth, Sjögren’s may also cause dysfunction of other organs such as the kidneys, gastrointestinal system, blood vessels, lungs, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Patients may also experience extreme fatigue and joint pain and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma. I also read it can cause dry sinuses.  Well, I'll be! So, let's summarize, shall we?  I have increased NKC's which means my immune system attacks my babies and I have Sjogren's Sydrome which has my immune system attacking my moisture-producing glands and eventually other organs.  Alrighty.  According to my Rheum, since my only symptom so far is dry eyes, that's a good thing and we caught it early so it's not a threat to me right now. Not that it's fatal, but if gone untreated can cause some major issues.  I have to go back in 6 months to re-check and it's something I"ll have to keep an eye on...forever... Now, obviously the issue in the forefront of my mind...getting pregnant.  What does this mean in terms of beginning IVF? Is this what has caused the m/c's? Is it a threat to future baby? Is it genetic?  I'm full of questions.  My Rheum is sending me the diagnosis and paperwork to take to Dr. P to discuss where to go from here.  Just heard from the Hematologist and good news is I don't have any clotting disorders, often affiliated with mutated MTHFR...so that's something!  If anyone wants to do any heavy reading check this out http://www.dry.org/fox20020816/guide.htm

I caved

I logged into the devil.  Honestly, I did it to see if anyone had emailed me, as a lot of people use facebook as email formats/invitations and clearly I can't miss those.  Welp, pretty much sealed the deal on not logging in anymore...2 pregnancy announcements in the first 4 posts.  Um...bite me.  I don't care about these people on a day to day basis, therefore I should not care if they're knocked up, therefore I should just not get on the devil bc all it does is frustrate me.  Aaaaaaand, done!

TGIFF

in case anyone was wondering

30 days from today we leave for Hawaii!!!!  Also, my pants are too big.  So those two things combined are making me VERY happy! I'll deal with a pants penis all day long, as that means they are gaping in the front.  Joy!  I called the resort yesterday to schedule our oceanside couples massage.  It's going to RULE.  Josh has never had a massage...I know, I know...but he said he wanted to get one in Hawaii so I figure we should make it memorable.  It was no more expensive to have it done oceanside than in the spa and I feel confused why anyone would choose to do it inside.  You're in freaking Hawaii people!  It doesn't get more gorgeous than that! And this way you listen to the waves crash instead of some Enya knockoff.

In other news, Bruno Mars has been singing me through this week and "unorthodox jukebox" might be one of my favorite albums...ever

And lastly, I'm mad at you, Atlanta weather!  You can't give me sandal weather and then take it back!  It's just mean

they all agree

So had my hematology appointment on Monday.  Pretty uneventful...which can't complain about that.  Talked in depth to the Dr. about what's going on with me and why I was referred and she actually looked me in the eye and listened to what I was saying.  You know, with doctors, it's pretty hit or miss.  Some of them you feel like just a number and they "listen" to you and send you on your way, and then there's the doctors that actually listen and want all your details.  Those are the kind I like :) I had mentioned that obviously, my PCP has my well-being as the main priority and my RE has future baby (well, and my) well-being as main priority, so since my blood work came back squirly, my PCP suggested I see someone who can take a look objectively and have both me and future baby in mind. As we were talking, she asked who my RE was and I told her, Dr. P.  She looked at me and said, "What does Dr. P say about all of this?  He is a VERY smart man and would give a lot of insight." Well...she's the THIRD doctor I've talked to that has basically said the exact same thing.  Everyone talks about how smart Dr. P is.  My, OB, my PCP, and now the hematologist.  Not going to lie, that makes me feel quite secure! He's clearly well known. I mean, I knew he was smart...as he is completely socially awkward...but having everyone you see say the same thing is reassuring :) So, she decided she wanted to run some blood tests.  Check me for lupus and other blood clotting disorders. She is apparently checking for a lot bc they took like 15 vials of blood. I go back in two weeks to discuss the results.  She said she's not worried, based on what I've told her, so that's refreshing! 

I see the rheumatologist tomorrow morning to talk about this lovely, autoimmue, baby eater, and make sure there's nothing else under there making this happen.  Hopefully everything comes back negative and we are ready to start IVF right after Hawaii!

Also, again, yoga freaking rules.  I'm seriously loving it.  I can't get enough. 

ah, yes, I almost forgot

In other news I have my hematology and rheumatology appointments next week.  Basically, I know two people also diagnosed with mutated mthfr (you know what that word looks like!), like I have, and both of them have blood clotting disorders.  They're different disorders, but they both have them and it's quite common.  And guess what people with blood clotting disorders (a specific one, I think...I'm not very smart on this yet...I'll revisit this after my appointment) often experience - miscarriage.  If there's one thing I know, it's how to miscarry!  Ok, that's creepy to say.  Whoops.  Anyway, my PCP was pretty adamant about me going to these specialists because of the mutated mthfr and I also have this unexplained skin junk.  It's like bumps on my body (hot) and it's very annoying.  Never itches, never does anything...it's just...there.  I have had dermatologist after dermatologist check it out and biopsy it and they say it's "just one of those things."  Yeah, I don't buy that.  Especially now that there's other crazy things happening in my body.  So, Hematologist to check for blood disorders and Rheumatologist to check out this autoimmune issue that keeps eating my babies.  Fun times all around!!

baselines and stimulation and egg retrieval oh my

I started my period.  As a matter of fact I started my period at the nail salon.  The nail salon that made me late for my dinner date with my friends because my nail tech was real busy showing everyone the pictures of her newborn, as it was her first day back from maternity leave. Oooooof course it was.  Oh yeah...you just had a baby?  Well, I just started bleeding on your chair.  I must admit...that little Asian baby (Andrew...really?) was pretty damn cute. 

As I started last night I called Dr. P's office today.  "I started my period!  What do I do now??" It's like being 14 all over again.  Yes, I was a late bloomer.  Imagine my excitement when I FINALLY got some boobs in high school.  Spoke with J, one of Dr. P's nurses and she said I really should wait until next month to start the bcp.  Fine by me.  The less crazy I have to be for the shortest amount of time works for me!  Then we were talking about the REAL schedule.  None of this, well if you do this, then we do this bull-honky...a real schedule.  When I start next month I call and I start the pill 2 days after that.  Then we go to Hawaii (woooo!!!!).  Then when we come back I start Lupron injections and I do my first intralipid infusion.  I stay on the Lupron until I start my period again and that's when I go in for my "baseline" (I had no idea what that meant...I thought I knew what I was getting into but I was just writing things down to google after our conversation and I found this link and it is awesome and explains just about everything http://infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytreatments/ss/ivf_treatment.htm ) then we will start stimulation drugs around the 6th of May and then egg retrieval somewhere around the 18-19 of May.  WHOA.  This is really going to happen!  So fingers crossed, I'm good and knocked up by the end of May!

Oh, what we didn't talk about on this phone call, but we did last month is the "uterine scraping"  Um...come again?  What in the actual hell is a uterine scraping?  Oh, they go in there and "rough up" the lining of your uterus because it aids in implantation.  Oh, sure sure...that only makes sense.  WHAT?! That sounds scary.  Who am I kidding, the entire process is scary, but I'm willing to do whatever they say.  He was very up front in the beginning - "There's a difference in doing research and practicing medicine and I'm not doing research on you, you've been through enough." Alrighty, Dr. P...you practice that medicine! Apparently they're doing anything and everything in round 1 to make sure it's successful.  Sweet!!  So for now I'm drugging myself every 4 hours just to be able to walk and have no "hard" drugs to take quite yet and I have therapy tonight...she better hold on...this bitch is kinda cray cray right now! :)

worst breakup ever

so I tried to break up with facebook.  Or, the devil, as I refer to it.  It's been a very liberating experience!  I deactivated my account and immediately felt more productive.  Who cares that I was just more intently watching The Walking Dead, I was really into it, not checking the devil every so often.  Jo deactivated her account too (because we are twins) and we had liberation Tuesday!  My main concern: what was I going to do on the toilet??  Don't worry, I figured it out...BuzzFeed. 

There I am, feeling so awesome about my new post facebook life, I get in my car after work and of course, I plug my phone in and turn on my spotify app.  BUT I CAN'T LOGIN WITHOUT FACEBOOK. Mother Crap.  When I signed up for Spotify I did it through facebook...it was clearly taking over my life.  So I did have to login to fb to use spotify, but that's totally worth it.  I can't live without my music.  I had deleted my fb app, so I didn't login and check out  who else has posted sonogram pics what my cousin's neighbor had for lunch so I'm still liberated, just also able to listen to Adam Levine at my leisure.  So, people can still see me, tag me, check me in (or out...bazinga!) but I'm not in the fb world.  I got so much done yesterday!  It's SHOCKING how much time I was spending on there...whoopsie :)

Of course I still have Instgram and Twitter...bc I'm not completely insane...

Hi Jo!

My Joanna has started following my blog :) I technically only have 5 followers HOWEVER I have 50-60 page views per day.  I see you!!  I'm not sure if it's random people every day, or if it's the same people, but hi everyone! Apparently my readers are in the US and the Netherlands.  Who'da thunk. It's kind of exciting that people read my things...sorry I'm not a better writer ;) I would venture a guess my posts come up when someone googles something about infertility.  I mean, it's public, and it has come up when I've googled something before (yes I peed a little...kind of felt famous) and there's LOTS of fertility things on here :) Newsflash, I'm infertile, and some of you probably are too.  You can follow my blog if you like, I won't bite :)  INFERTILES UNITE! In all honesty, there are quite a few IVF blogs that I read daily and don't follow.  Perhaps I should do what I ask and actually subscribe to their blogs.  Ok, I'll do that today!  Anyway, Hi to my Jo, I love you and welcome, and hi to everyone else.  And an even bigger HI to my lovelies that have subscribed since the beginning :)

Obviously I'm in a MUCH better mood than yesterday.  Still quite cranky, but the coffee worked this morning :)

All of our vaginas have synced up like wireless routers here at the office (thank you, Dane Cook, for that joke...wish I could claim it as my own but I can't) so the next week is going to be joyful! 

premenstrual pauline

This morning when I woke up, I knew I wasn't quite right.  I felt...off.  I often feel that way before I have my coffee.  Coffee changes everything.  Well, even after my coffee I was still iffy. J-Timberlake would be proud of me - bringing bitchy back. That's damn catchy, right there. It is, of course, because that bitch is on her way.  My PMS is in full swing. Poor Josh. Oddly enough, I very rarely get irritated with him when I PMS.  I used to, but I don't really anymore.  Everyone else in the world, yes, you best watch out.  I kind of hate you today.  What's even weirder is that I'm not even annoyed with my boss/dad today.  He generally gets the majority of the PMS flash.  Lucky man.  He had to deal with my teen years and now he gets to deal with Premenstrual Pauline.  

So, speaking of boss/dad, I needed to chat with him about the impending part-time schedule I'm going to.  Down from 5 days to 3.  It will be glorious.  I'll have time to have things shoved up my vag in hopes of making a baby!  Well, while I was in there, he was legitimately asking about the process.  Not like the normal, "Oh, ok, yeah that must suck." but actually wanting to know about it.  And I was telling him about what the next step is and the drugs and the injections and the infusions and the hormones (ok, that was mainly to warn him) and he really got it.  He was floored by what we're getting ready to go through and he said, "Ok, wow, that's a lot to handle.  I want you to be able to focus on that." Bonus points for me, the man wants some grandchildren.  I really am grateful that I have the opportunity to finagle my schedule around IVF.  Not many people get that opportunity and I can imagine it's going to make my stress level MUCH less.  So, in the midst of our conversation he did throw in there (because he's a man, and I can't fault him for not knowing how emotional this roller coaster is) "Well, you know Julie is expecting again, right?"  Um, no.  No, I did not know that.  Julie is my cousin's wife.  She is a gem and so is he.  They have one son and he is precious.  I know they got pregnant fast the first time and apparently no hard time the second.  Must be nice.  Honestly, that must be an enjoyable experience.  I actually said out loud, "It must be really nice to be able to have kids when you want them." And then...the flood gates opened.  Dammit.  Out of left field, these tears came. I was expecting to just be a jerk all day, not be a hysterical mess.  And they wouldn't stop.  The kind of crying where you can't catch your breath and you snort so hard you choke on your own spit. That kind. Jack hands me some tissues, he doesn't say anything, I'm just sitting there with my head in my hands sobbing.  I think he understands the hurt now.  He said, "This is a lot to deal with." I said, yeah no wonder I'm seeing a shrink.  Of course...I use humor as a defense mechanism...speaking of shrinks, she pointed that out not too long ago. 

So far, the best thing about today is that Mr. Big played on the radio at work earlier and REM is playing now.

Probably gonna go cry some more into my sugar free jello cup.

I swear I'm not a sad person.  Or am I?   I do feel sad a lot lately.  Not enough to hinder my everyday life or make it so I can't get out of bed, but I just feel sad.  I feel like we have a lot to look forward to too.  I'm really excited about Hawaii and we are going to have a great time, and I'm excited about my new love for yoga, but underneath it all is sad.  I wonder if that goes away with a positive pregnancy test?