This morning when I woke up, I knew I wasn't quite right. I felt...off. I often feel that way before I have my coffee. Coffee changes everything. Well, even after my coffee I was still iffy. J-Timberlake would be proud of me - bringing bitchy back. That's damn catchy, right there. It is, of course, because that bitch is on her way. My PMS is in full swing. Poor Josh. Oddly enough, I very rarely get irritated with him when I PMS. I used to, but I don't really anymore. Everyone else in the world, yes, you best watch out. I kind of hate you today. What's even weirder is that I'm not even annoyed with my boss/dad today. He generally gets the majority of the PMS flash. Lucky man. He had to deal with my teen years and now he gets to deal with Premenstrual Pauline.
So, speaking of boss/dad, I needed to chat with him about the impending part-time schedule I'm going to. Down from 5 days to 3. It will be glorious. I'll have time to have things shoved up my vag in hopes of making a baby! Well, while I was in there, he was legitimately asking about the process. Not like the normal, "Oh, ok, yeah that must suck." but actually wanting to know about it. And I was telling him about what the next step is and the drugs and the injections and the infusions and the hormones (ok, that was mainly to warn him) and he really got it. He was floored by what we're getting ready to go through and he said, "Ok, wow, that's a lot to handle. I want you to be able to focus on that." Bonus points for me, the man wants some grandchildren. I really am grateful that I have the opportunity to finagle my schedule around IVF. Not many people get that opportunity and I can imagine it's going to make my stress level MUCH less. So, in the midst of our conversation he did throw in there (because he's a man, and I can't fault him for not knowing how emotional this roller coaster is) "Well, you know Julie is expecting again, right?" Um, no. No, I did not know that. Julie is my cousin's wife. She is a gem and so is he. They have one son and he is precious. I know they got pregnant fast the first time and apparently no hard time the second. Must be nice. Honestly, that must be an enjoyable experience. I actually said out loud, "It must be really nice to be able to have kids when you want them." And then...the flood gates opened. Dammit. Out of left field, these tears came. I was expecting to just be a jerk all day, not be a hysterical mess. And they wouldn't stop. The kind of crying where you can't catch your breath and you snort so hard you choke on your own spit. That kind. Jack hands me some tissues, he doesn't say anything, I'm just sitting there with my head in my hands sobbing. I think he understands the hurt now. He said, "This is a lot to deal with." I said, yeah no wonder I'm seeing a shrink. Of course...I use humor as a defense mechanism...speaking of shrinks, she pointed that out not too long ago.
So far, the best thing about today is that Mr. Big played on the radio at work earlier and REM is playing now.
Probably gonna go cry some more into my sugar free jello cup.
I swear I'm not a sad person. Or am I? I do feel sad a lot lately. Not enough to hinder my everyday life or make it so I can't get out of bed, but I just feel sad. I feel like we have a lot to look forward to too. I'm really excited about Hawaii and we are going to have a great time, and I'm excited about my new love for yoga, but underneath it all is sad. I wonder if that goes away with a positive pregnancy test?
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