welp...

So met with my RE, Dr. P.  I'm more confused now than I was when I went in! Not because of what he said but of what to do from here.  After my initial consultation he said two things.  One: "it's likely you have endometriosis" and Two: "You may have PCOS" which is PolyCystic Ovarian Syndrome.  Uh...well those two things aren't such great things to have!  Luckily there are treatments for both, but we had to do MORE testing to see what's going on in there and see which treatment plan would be most beneficial to me.  Endometriosis runs in my family and I kind of had an inkling that I had it.  I have almost every single symptom of endo.  The PCOS is a new one on me.  I don't have many symptoms, but my ovaries look polycystic on ultrasound.  So, what to do from here?  I have to go back tomorrow after I fast to drink that nasty ass sugar drink and them take my blood before and after.  I have to wait 2 hours after drinking it for them to take my blood.  Looks like I'm in the market for a new good book :) The reason for the glucose test is because apparently with PCOS there's something off with my insulin.  Clearly I'm well versed about PCOS...I have a big day of research ahead of me! What I do know, is if they confirm the PCOS needs to be treated it looks like I will be taking a drug called Metformin to level out my insulin, then take Letrizole to induce ovulation (Dr. P doesn't like Clomid thank the GOOD lord) and will likely do Intrauterine Insemination aka IUI.  IUI is non-invasive.  They basically take Josh's sperm (I suppose I should buy him some decent porn if he's going to have to go at this part alone ;)) and wash it, as in clear the spermies from any seminal fluid and insert it directly into my uterus.  It's not very expensive and apparently not very painful.  I'm cool with that!   Unfortunately I have to have an HSG done...the FemVue I had done a few months ago with the bubbles does not give them a clear enough answer to whether or not my fallopian tubes are open.  Greeeeeeat.  Those things hurt like a mother F**KER.  That will be in about 2-2.5 weeks. 

So, to recap...yesterday they took about 20 vials (not joking) of my blood to test for any and every genetic issue that I could possibly be a carrier of, have told me I likely have Endometriosis and PCOS and also did some tests related to diagnosing me properly with those, did an ultrasound to check out my ovaries (btw my uterine wall was quite thick and I felt like Phoebe "Think Thick!!!") and determined they are polycystic, took a sample of cervial fluid to check me for STD's (heh), scheduled my glucose test, told me how to schedule my HSG when I start, gave both of us a prescription to take before the HSG so we don't "transfer bacteria back and forth to each other" which is disgusting to think about, took Josh's blood to test for STD's also (to which I made a joke about and nobody quite thought I was funny...awkward) and sent us home with pages upon pages of information about Endo, PCOS, HSG, Laparoscopy (which I can't even go into detail about yet...the surgery required to determine the level of Endo...eeeek) and exercise related to Fertility.  Oh yeah...I'm not allowed to do anymore cardio.  I can weight train my little heart out, but no more cardio for this chick.  Has to do with the BMI of a woman, and essentially how we aren't designed to be lean...awesome.  You bet your ass I called my trainer and was like "OMG Dr says I can't do anymore cardio am I going to get fat?!"  (Yes I recognize that's vain...but gaining weight is also not good for fertility...so whatevs) and he assured me that that is not how it works at all.  So long as I'm keeping track of my calories (I haven't counted calories in YEARS bc of my exercise regimen) and continue to weight train I will not gain weight.  WHEW! Plus, I hate doing cardio so this is kind of a win/win for me ;)

Oy...that's a lot of information.  My head is still spinning.  But bottom line is that we have to do MORE testing to get the answers although at the end of our appointment Dr P said, "once we figure out what the problem is I really don't see you having a difficult time conceiving or having a healthy pregnancy."  THAT I like!

the day has come!

We have our specialist (hereby referred to as my RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist - fancy!) appointment today.  I'm really excited about it actually!  Yesterday I was at lunch with my BFF, Joanna, and we were talking about it and I started to wonder why I'm not nervous.  Truth of the matter is, I feel like the worst case scenario would be for them to tell me that we can't have a baby.  Well, for most women that would probably be traumatic.  For me, I have no attachment to actually carrying and birthing a baby.  I have an attachment to having a family. I recognize that it upsets me when I'm not pregnant, as that is the way we have chosen to initially go about having our family, but adoption is not something that scares me, or something that would have my family be "less than" or something that I wouldn't want to do.  There's many ways to have a family, and I don't think one way is better than any other.  My husband might take some convincing on that, but if they say we can't, then we move to other options.  Regardless of the outcome I'm excited to have some answers.  I'm excited to get a move on, in one way or another.  I'm excited to just know.  Will update after the appointment!  Wish us luck!

funnies

Ok, obviously I was reading up on getting pregnant and IVF and so forth...duh, am I awake?...and came across this gem and it made me laugh out loud!

The conclusion? Emotional distress (whether related to IVF, infertility, or other life events) had no effect on the likelihood of getting pregnant. As James Grifo, M.D., program director of the New York University Fertility Center puts it: "Stress is not contraception. If it were, no one in New York would get pregnant."

That is all :)

Proud to be an American!

I voted this morning!  Picked the right time to get to the polls and walked right up!  YES!!  I'm so fired up right now! This is my blog so I get to say what I want and I say ROMNEY/RYAN 2012!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I proudly wear my Georgia voter sticker!  I hope everyone excercised their right to vote, whichever way you lean and have an AWESOME day!!!

just relax and you'll get pregnant

well hot damn!  Why didn't I think of that?!

I think that's my favorite thing people say to me.  "You're too stressed out about this.  Just relax, go on vacation.  You know, that happened to a friend of mine..."  "Oh yeah?  Fuck off  That's really great for them."

A few of my other favorites: "It'll happen when it's supposed to happen."  Oh yeah?  When's that?  When you're in a loving marriage? When you have steady jobs?  When you have a house that's ready for a family?  Well, perhaps I should look into all those things.  Oh, wait...

Or "If you can't have kids you can have one of mine!"  Newsflash...I don't want one of yours.  I want one of mine.  And nobody else wants one of yours either. Sorry.  

And then there's "If it's meant to be, it'll happen." Wait, what?  Like, OH! Where do I take the "I'm worthy of being a parent" test?  I'll sign up for that one! I'm not a very good test taker though, so maybe that's why.

And my all time favorite "You can't get pregnant because you work out too much."  First of all, I'm so far from UNDERweight that it's upsetting.  And it's people that are UNDERweight that have messed up cycles.  Yes, I excercise.  Often.  But I'm not a flipping marathon runner that doesn't get her period. 

For anyone that has a friend or family member going through this, the correct response is, "I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  It must be difficult."

People are dumb.  That is all.  Have a pleasant afternoon ;)

Oh, you're a chemical engineer?

Me, "that sounds very interesting"
Other person, "yeah, I really enjoy it. What do you do?"
Me, "I miscarry."

Ok, that didn't happen but it may as well have. I knew it was going to happen. I could feel it. Sure enough...Friday was the day. I called my nurse, as I was told to do. After talking to Dr. M he decided it is for sure time to see a specialist. They gave me the name and number to who they refer to and I called and left a message. It was late on Friday that I called so I'm expecting a call tomorrow to schedule an appointment. So, I'm a planner to the max, so I was on the website of the fertility clinic to see what the first office visit would be like. I was quite surprised to see that they will spend at minimum an hour with us and by the time we are done they will have diagnosed us AND have a plan in place. That's what I'm talking about!! Of course I've already printed off the paperwork and filled out the medical history for both of our families. Did I mention I'm a planner?  I also looked at the possible causes of infertility and the treatments for each cause. I obviously looked at the causes for recurrent miscarriage and it's interesting stuff. I'll be taking a month off the clomid because Dr. M wouldn't prescribe it as he doesn't know what new Dr. S will say. I'm pretty happy about that. But I also recognize I might be put on a whole slew of other drugs in the next month. We shall see. I'm also slightly afraid of  the other testing I might have to have. The previous tests haven't been sunshine and butterflies. I'm actually really terrified of having an HSG with the dye instead of the bubbles. Eeeek!! But I'll take whatever's given to me. Well, sort of. I'm not sure about IVF (if it came to that). I'll need to talk statistics vs cost vs drug injections vs what it's going to do to me before we would talk about IVF vs adoption. Here I go again with the worst case scenario thinking. I should stop that. But I won't ;) so now we wait until we meet with Dr. S and know where to go from there.

PS my puppy is a genius and I'm pretty sure he's housebroken after 2 weeks. No accidents in the house since Wednesday and he stands at the back door when he needs to go out!  Now to work on the chewing...

puppies for sure, babies maybe

We got the best puppy ever.  I'm just saying.  He's an evil genius.  He already knows his name, "come" and "sit."  And my god he's precious! This pup LOVES to chill.  He has two modes: playtime (including but not limited to, trying to eat the cat, picking up his water bowl in his mouth, no matter if it's full of water or not which can lead to dumping water ALL over the floor, and carrying it around, running like a wild man in the yard with his big brother, and chewing his toys -or trying to chew other things but listens pretty well when we tell him no and give him the right things to chew on- ) & passed out.  He is QUITE the daddy's boy.  Brody follows Josh around like Tucker follows me around.  It's so cute! I should also say that while having 2 dogs is a lot of work, it's also a lot easier because they really entertain each other :) My mom told me the other day that she thinks Josh is a genius for getting us a puppy.  She also recognizes the pup as the distraction (which is really working for the most part...I haven't been stressed about getting pregnant until...like yesterday - more to follow on that) but she thinks this is a very healthy thing.  Giving us something to do instead of stress out about not having babies!  She's right!  Brody is filling all sorts of voids!  Sweet story moment...last Sunday morning I had gotten up, gotten Brody from his crate, taken the boys out to potty and eat, then gone back up to bed and the 4 of us were in the bed snuggling.  Josh and I were both laying with our arms above our heads you know? and he looked at me and reached for my hand and held it and said he was happy with the little family that we have so far.  He's a good one, I tell ya. 

Now let's talk fertilization!  FUN!

So, tuesday, my bff Judy (ok, fine, she's just my nurse) called from Dr. M's office.  She sounded perplexed.  She asked about my previous cycle, I went through the whole process with her again, about getting the high progesterone level, feeling pregnant, then starting, going in and meeting with Dr. M and blah blah blah.  I said that he had told me I was pregnant last cycle but m/c very early.  She said, "Right.  You're probably pregnant again because your progesterone was a 30 this time too." Joy and rapture right?! Something like that.  I flat out said to her, "well, as I live in a constant state of the worst case scenario, if I start Dr. M said that should this happen again we have to go after why it's happening." She then said, "yes, if you start we have to send you somewhere else."  Ummm...mixed feelings about this. For starters my doctor knows everything that has happened with me and my broken anatomy since I was 20 years old.  He's extremely calming.  He almost makes the shitty things that happen ok because his bedside manner is amazing.  So going through this with a doctor like him has been a blessing.  Not like I would never see him again, because he still is my GYN, but you know what I mean :) Having to learn a new doctor is sometimes weird.  Dr. M gets me.  This is starting to sound creepy...I'm talking about a man who's job is my vagina. Moving on.  So on the flip side of that, it's time to see a specialist.  Oh, I should mention why I'm going off the deep end and my nurse told me I'm probably pregnant. This would be because I've had negative tests and all period symptoms are a go.  The tell-tale sign that I'm about to bleed (I have so much tact) is if my back hurts, and indeed it does...so I'm saying I'm out.  Could be wrong, but I'm going with no.  Back to the specialist.  It's time.  I know this.  Josh knows this.  Everyone in my life knows this but I was really struggling with pulling the plug on it.  I have a REALLY hard time giving up on something.  Meaning I was having a hard time on giving up on the options that my doctor had given me.  And now that it will be his recommendation to move on I feel supported and have a sense of "this is the right thing to do" about it.  All this said, maybe we won't have to see a specialist, but if we do, so be it.  We will live, we will be happy and we will get our baby one way or the other.  For now we will just have a 4-legged baby ;)