GDMFS

I'm actively avoiding driving off a cliff right now...I'm just SO fucking frustrated.  Oh, remember when I said I should have results today and the only bad news I could get would be "we need to do more tests, which means more waiting??????"  Well surprise, surprise, we have to do MORE testing.  I recognize I should be happy that they are covering all their bases, and I am...I'm just so frustrated with this process.  I was PISSED when we were leaving the dr's office.  So pissed that my ears were ringing.  Since then I've been able to calm the hell down...a bit.

Ok...so I have elevated cytokines.  WTF are cytokines you might ask?  Well (if I understand this correctly) they are a type of white blood cell.  Having elevated cytokines can mean that my immune system is essentially killing my babies.  The cytokines are seeing the baby as something bad and need to attack it.  Um...awesome.  They can also cause implantation issues as well.  Basically, my immune system might be rejecting my embryos. 

That's not all.  Oh no.  Of course not.  There's more.  I also have 3 different genetic mutations.  Thanks for all that cigarette smoke when I was in utero, mom!  2 of them I would never have any symptoms of, but they showed up on the blood work, so Josh is having to have the crazy amounts of bloodwork done too to see if he carries the same mutations.  If he does and we did end up getting pregnant and going to term (oh, because my body didn't eat my babies) then there's a 1 in 4 chance that our baby could have severe seizures, inability to walk or function, and something like 85% of them die within one year.  That's not so much what we are going for here.  So they're checking him for everything to make sure we don't make mutated children and if we do, luckily, there's an option.  One option...the only one.  IVF with ICSI. (ahem...that's like 12k PER MONTH) That's doing IVF, but being able to genetically test the embryos before implantation and only implanting the ones that check out safe.  That's pretty cool, but also weirds me out that my future children would be a science project.  But who am I kidding, my entire reproductive system is a damn science project. 

The 3rd mutation I carry has some long ass name that means my body doesn't absorb proper amounts of folic acid from food.  So WTF, I eat all my leafy greens for no reason? Shit, I'm going to start eating chicken fingers and fries every day.  Jokes...I'm already getting fat from my inability to do cardio (ps I'm going to start doing yoga I think to stay in shape)  They're writing me a prescription for prescription strength prenatals with a specific kind of folic acid that my body will be able to absorb.

Now, if it comes back that Beyonce (my uterus's new name because it's completely tilted to the left - get it?  'to the left. to the left.  everything you own in a box to the left') is eating my babies (yes I know it's not actually my uterus eating it, it's my immune system attacking it) then there's treatment for that too.   I would have to have 2 infusions of intralipids.  One at the beginning of my cycle and one after I find out I'm pregnant (I'll believe that when I see it) which will apparently tell my cytokines that baby cohen is not a space invader and can stay in there for 9 months.  All that accompanied by Letrozole (the ovulation inducing drug) and IUI (intrauterine insemination)  That's about $1500-$2k per cycle with a 20-25% chance of becoming pregnant.  Good thing we have cash under the mattress...oh, wait a second... 

Dr P. said that if after 2 failed IUI attempts (that's $3k-$3500 for anyone that's following) we move to IVF because after 2 failed IUI's your odds go way down. So that could potentially be $3500 for nothing THEN paying the $12k per cycle after that. We need to win the damn lottery.

You know what's bullshit?  That 85-90% of couples get pregnant for free.  FREE.  Actually, I would say they're getting paid. In sexual favors.  Whatever, I'm just bitter betty right now. 

Thank God my girlfriends and I had already planned a girls night tonight.  I plan on having FAR too many holiday cocktails.

my friends are better than your friends

The outpouring of love and encouragement for our dr appointment today has been amazingly awesome.  My friends rock!  Appointment is at 11:30...wish us luck!!

lightbulb

I just realized what the worst news could be on Friday.  For me, the worst news would be Dr P telling me that we have to do trial and error on a drug or something like that.  More waiting would just about do me in.  I just need some answers.  One way or another just some damn answers. 

squeedleedee!

Got the call from the nurse at my RE's office this morning.  All test results and scans are in and Dr. P has had a chance to look over them and it's time to get together and discuss treatment plans.  HELL YES!!  I have no idea how the appointment will go.  No idea what will be thrown at us, but I'll have some f**king answers and for that I am elated!  I'm also nervous.  Not about the information we will get but nervous about if he says that the only option is IVF or adoption.  As I have said, I have no attachment to actually birthing a child, but I know that Josh has an attachment to having a child of his own.  I can't blame him for that.  I know there are a lot of people out there that want children of their "own" (yes, I know that by adopting they will be our children, but you know what I mean...having the same genetic makeup). So, I need to be open to the IVF process, if that's what is thrown at us.  Hell, they could say, everything is fine...you just have really bad luck! Who knows!

 I've been against the thought of IVF this whole time, but I realize I need to be open to it.  I also need some facts.  I want to compare the cost of IVF, noting that multiple cycles may be needed, and the success rates per cycle vs the entire cost of adoption.  The last thing I'm interested in is spending $30K (plus interest, because we don't just have thousands of dollars lying around...) and not having a baby at the end of it. On the flip side of that we could do IVF and end up with 2 for one which I am A-OK with!  BOGO and then I never have to go through this again.  So, as I've said for a year now, we will have some answers soon. 

On another note, I started seeing a therapist.  A LOT has surfaced lately and I needed to be able to just let loose.  With my dad being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, my infertility, now probably staying at my job that I'm not fond of, and the stresses of every day life I needed an outlet.  I really like her.  I felt really comfortable and my god it was SO nice to have someone say to me, "wow, that's a lot to deal with."  Just having someone to really GET that I'm struggling with some things was therapy in and of itself.  Maybe that's part of it. Just being heard.  I've never seen a therapist before, but I'm into it so far.  I go back next week, and this time I'll be able to talk about the results I get from Dr. P so that should be good. 

I was talking to her about all the shit going on and she said, well, you're married?  I said yes, and she said, "how's that going?" and I said, "that's the only part that seems to be working right now!"  I liked being able to say that :)  It's nice to end on a good note! I'll update Friday!

In other news

I go for my HSG on Wednesday.  Ouchie.  And I have to go by myself because Josh is going out of town for work and can't get out of it :( I'm kind of terrified.  Yes, it'll be painful, but I'll do what I have to do and then FINALLY we should have some answers.  I feel like I've been saying "after this test/procedure we should finally have answers" for months and it doesn't seem to pan out that way, but maybe this time will be different.  I was planning on drugging myself heavily ahead of time, but that's not an option since I'll be driving this time...sad day.  Oh well. 

Oh, and I'm sure everyone has heard that Kate Middleton is pregnant...yay...

My First DIY!

Josh wanted a fish tank :) Well, he wanted lots of fish tanks built into the walls of our basement, but as that would be a VERY expensive venture, and wouldn't happen for years and years he decided to go a different route.  He started searching on craigslist for just a tank, as they are quite expensive alone without any fish, coral, sand, etc and came across a couple that was selling everything.  Their 150 gallon tank, all the fish (very expensive fish I might add) all their coral and rock and the gigantic piece of furniture the tank sits in.  Josh went back and forth with them and got them down to half their original asking price and he said OK.  I will say, at first I was not so jazzed about spending any money on this adventure but after we got everything home I started looking at how much these people had spent in this tank and it was WELL over $10,000.00.  Um, we didn't pay them ANYTHING near that.  Turns out, we got a really good deal AND Josh now has his hobby back :)  He had salt water tanks (little ones) growing up and wanted another one, and if there's one thing to note about my husband is that once he sets his mind to something there is no stopping him.  Alas, we are the proud owners of a 150 gallon salt water tank with many different fish, sea cucumbers, sea serpents which are weird looking starfish, lots of snails, 3 shrimp, anemones, and whatever other tiny creatures are living in the sand.  It's pretty awesome to see.  I like it at night when the lights have been out for about 30 minutes and I go in there with a flashlight and look at all the nightlife that is out that hides during the day :) So...what was the DIY project you might ask?  Well, the piece of furniture that the tank came in was god awful.  Josh was quite concerned that I was going to hate it when we went to pick it up, and sure enough when I saw it I almost gagged, but I told him not to worry because I would refinish it to match our stuff...and I did!  Here's before

 

 

Honestly, that's straight out of 1983 with 10 layers of polyurethane on it.  I wasn't scared thought...I could see that the actual PIECE of furniture was pretty, it just needed a face lift :)  So here it is after....................................

 

 

Yay!  I'm quite proud of my work!  And everyone is happy and healthy in the tank :)  I've gotten some oil rubbed bronze cabinet pulls to add to it as well (a target steal at only $15!  Whoop!!) which will change the look of it a bit.  I'm stoked!!