...

I'm trying to stay positive, I really am.  But knowing that our 3rd embryo didn't make it to freeze and this is our only shot is seriously wearing on me.  I can't stop crying.  I'll blame the hormones.  

now we wait

For anyone that ever goes through IVF, allow me to give you this little tid bit of information...you go into it nervous about the shots and if they're going to hurt and how you're going to feel and all of that.  That part is NOTHING compared to the emotional and mental hoops that you have to jump through after egg retrieval.  The shots and the hormones, while they did make me cry, were nothing.  The actual egg retrieval procedure was a cake walk.  One minute I'm high on valium, the next minute I'm waking up next to Josh cracking up about the fact that I got a Brazilian before retrieval.  Then came the hard part.  We got 6 eggs.  six.  ONLY SIX F*$*@#$ING eggs after all that??  I was not happy.  I don't remember this but apparently when I was still in the procedure room (heavily drugged) I kept asking how many they got and they told me 6 and I started crying.  Again, I don't remember, but I'm sure I did.  We were hoping for more like, oh, I don't know, 15?!  Anyway, we got 6.  They said they were nice a mature, so that was good.  But still...6.  Then they told me they were going to give me daily updates on how they were doing.  Which they did and I appreciated that.  They thought they would have to do ICSI (inject the sperm directly into the egg) since there were so few, but Josh has super sperm and they didn't end up having to do it.  They called me the next day and let me know that 5 had fertilized.  Now, statistically 5 out of 6 is great.  So, at least we had that in our favor.  So, ok, 5 out of 6 fertilized naturally, now we wait to see how they grow.  I get a call the next day and let me know that 4 out of the 5 had made it through.  Our numbers are dwindling and I'm panicking.  She also hit me with this nugget: since we are dealing with such small numbers, they won't do the genetic testing on the embryos.  Holy hell.  That's a large part of why we decided to do IVF in the first place! The reasoning is that it can sometimes damage the embryo.  As we are looking at only having 4 or less (most likely less, because they won't all live from day 3 to day 5) then they won't do the testing.  I got as much information as I could from her and called Josh immediately.  After many conversations about it, we were on the same page.  Even though miscarrying would be a HORRID thing again (the reason we wanted to do the genetic testing was to eliminate that risk) it's not worth risking the health of potentially normal embryos. So we said we were comfortable doing a fresh transfer without the testing. The nurses agreed with our decision, and said that's what they would have recommended and then we started talking about the next step. The embryologist said that she was pretty confident that they little embryos would make it to day 5.  In IVF you can either do a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer.  At day 3 they have 8 cells (if they've divided normally...and we had 4 that had) and then by the time they make it to day 5 they will have over 100 cells.  That's a LOT for a teeny embryo to go through and that is why I was a nerve ball all weekend.  There was no way they would all survive the growth to day 5.  The nurse told me that they are EXTREMELY conservative on which embryos they let grow in the lab until day 5 because a lot of them won't make it, but ours looked really great they have confidence in them. Side note, day 5 transfers are less common because embryos don't always make it to day 5, but they are MUCH more successful and stronger.  We felt more confident having not done the genetic screening because it's thought to be that day 5 embryos are less likely to have genetic issues, as they wouldn't have survived so long...I digress.  She said they would call me on Sunday morning (this was on Friday afternoon) to let me know how they were doing and schedule our time for transfer.  Ooooookkkkk.  I mean, it's not uncommon for 50% of them to not make it to day 5.  I was really nervous.  Then Sunday morning I was even more nervous because they didn't call until 12:30.  I kept saying to Josh, "Omg, they all died and they don't have the heart to tell me."  He said that he really didn't think that was the case.  Well, he was right.  Got the call from the nurse and we had 3 that had made it to day 5!  Great news! Again, statistically 3 our of 4 is really good.  Clearly they're strong ;)  So we reiterated the fact that we didn't want to risk harm to the good ones and we were ready to do a fresh transfer.  She set my time up for 1:00 the next day (Monday). On Monday we had 1 beautiful, perfect blastocyst and 1 that was just a little behind, but could see the different parts of the embryo that you're supposed to see (I'm so smart), transferred into my uterus. The process was a breeze.  I had to have a VERY full bladder so the ultrasound waves could travel through easier and they could see my uterus and then they just stuck a catheter up there and shot them in.   It took about 5 minutes. Science is amazing.  We were excited because we had two great embryos transferred and were hoping we would have one on ice!

Now we wait.  I'm basically going crazy.  I know I've brought this on myself, because I am a talker and I tell everything to everybody (not really, just my close friends and family), but I just want to retreat and not speak to people until the 2 week wait is up.  I want to put a mass text out that says, "Hi everyone, crazy here.  I'm going away for a while.  If I talk to you and care to share good news with you, that's great.  If I don't...don't ask."  I just feel like (again, I recognize I brought this on myself) if this doesn't work I will have let so many people down.  Perhaps that's my own insecurity, but that's how it feels.  Like I'm a failure...again.

The other embryo they were watching didn't make it.  We literally put all our eggs in my basket.  This is our only shot.  I certainly hope it works. The nurses are very hopeful as the day 5 blasts they transferred were good quality.  Here's to hoping...  

just have to laugh about it

So last night was trigger!  I was nervous because it had to go into the muscle and the needle was long.  Eeek! It turns out I'm way more of a wuss in my head than in real life.  I kind of have to give myself some credit.  I'm thinking my pain tolerance is a little higher than I thought. ;)  So my alarm went off at 8:20 to prep the shot and then again at 8:30 to actually have the shot - please see photo, for I'm trying to photo document the whole process!

So, at 8:20 Josh prepped the syringe and I went to lie down on the couch with a bag of Brussels sprouts on the bulls eye.  I wish what happened next had been video documented because I feel like we could have made a pretty penny.  So there I am, lying on the couch with a pillow under my ass (because I needed to lie down and disengage my ass muscles) and Josh comes over with the syringe behind his ear - again, please see photo. When I saw him I started cracking up and had to take a pic

 

so he sits down and preps the bulls eye with alcohol and I'm like, "oh man this is gonna hurt!!" I had requested before that he not give me a countdown...just stick me (that's what she said) so I knew a countdown wasn't coming.  Then I felt the stick and I yell "Is it in the muscle?!  Make sure it's in the muscle!!" And Josh is all, "Would you calm down, I know what I'm doing." Then it was over.  Just like that.  No pain, no dramatics (aside from my yelling...thank God he loves me...) and now I have nothing to do except grow my eggies!

 

The injection site is pretty sore today, which I'm thankful for because I know for sure it was in the muscle ;)

 

Now we wait.  I'm just anticipating the ovulation pains to hit me at any moment.  Maybe the won't because maybe my pains come when the egg is actually released from the follicle.  That would rule!  I still can't wear regular pants...today's attire is brought to you by elastic waisted, linen pants and a loose top. 

 

Lastly, last night I was going to get up and clean my house (oh, because it's being put on the market tomorrow...we like to do as many things as once as possible ;)) and Josh goes, "No, how about you lay down and do nothing except grow eggs."  Welp, don't have to tell me more than once.

 

Tomorrow's the big day!  Tonight I will visualize 8 big strong eggs ready for fertilization!  



trigger happy

Well, holy shit, I guess I'm gonna do this thing.  Went in for monitoring this morning and I have some seriously rockin follicles.  Still only 8 good ones, but they are really great numbers.  There's other smaller ones in there that might get big enough but I'm not counting on them.  I'm still not super pleased with only having 8 but I'm hopeful that these 8 are the cat's pajamas!  My lining has progressed quite well.  I'm at 14mm which is "perfect" in the words of my, yet again, short-worded doc and my e2 (estrogen) level has risen perfectly also.   When I was leaving this morning, Dr. P said he was going to wait til my blood work came back today to determine if we will trigger tonight or do one more day of injections and trigger tomorrow.  He "wants to make sure it's all perfect."  Preashy, Dr. P.  I had taken the last of my injections this morning.  He wanted me to do that bc he was thinking we would trigger tonight (and he wanted FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) in my system throughout today) and if not I'd have to order more meds (please no...we've already spent $3500 on them!) but it was up in the air when I left.  I did meet with the nurse to show me where to have Josh give me the trigger shot (I'm clear it's going to hurt like a bia).  She drew a circle on my hip where it needs to go.  Basically a bulls eye.

Well...got the call!  We are indeed triggering tonight!  My e2 levels came back ready for trigger.  Retrieval is at 8:30 am exactly on Wednesday!  Eeeek!  I'm freaking a little!  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm ready for it to be over, I'm...everything. 

Also, I feel like ass.  I felt really good for a while, but now I just feel fat, bloated and gross.  I actually can't wear pants. My abdomen is sore.  It's like when you're in the beginning of your pregnancy and you only want to wear stretchy pants.  I put on my fat jeans on Saturday and they were snug.  I decided not to care and ate Mexican food that day. I have a constant headache and I'm nauseated.  I suppose I can handle a week of feeling like this (ok hopefully a lot more weeks to come!) to get a baby :)  My attitude is DRASTICALLY improved from yesterday.  I mean, the emotion is right at the tip of my eyes constantly.  Like, don't eat my challah and I won't cry.  But if you look at me wrong I will destroy you.  True story. 

Lastly, I think it's so cute that they give me an ultrasound pic of the size of my follicles.  I have 2 now.  Going in the baby book :)  I'm keeping a positive attitude because my therapist says to.  I joke, I joke.  I really am trying to keep a positive attitude because there's nothing I can do to change any of it.  I'm only accepting the good right now. I have been visualizing at night before bed.  I visualize my follicles getting bigger and my lining thickening.  Soon I'll be visualizing implantation and healthy growth! No negativity (from outside sources or my own head) is allowed in, nor do I really care for there to be any.  Just because I can't stop crying doesn't mean I'm in a bad place!  The tears are strictly hormonal...there's only good going on inside this head :)

thank you, Tai!

thank you for bringing this to my attention.  I want to touch their hiney's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EnsjrDsVyI&feature=youtu.be

the dreaded post!

I have totally not updated about our IVF journey so far.  Can't figure out why I keep putting it off, but I suppose it doesn't matter :) Someone else is using my office for the day, so I don't have my files, and am left here to update my blog.  So here goes nothin. 

First things first...the day we came back from Hawaii I went in for my "endometrial scraping" AKA taking a razor blade to the inside of my uterus.  All dramatics aside, that was probably the worst pain I've ever been in.  Seriously.  That procedure was horrid.  I actually frightened Josh by my reaction.  I've had some procedures that hurt and I've toughed it out, but this one was different.  I'm talking insta-tears.  And crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.  Josh had to keep telling me to breathe.  It sucked ass, for lack of a better term.  Well, after that was done I went to the bathroom and the nurse says to Josh, "Yeah, that's the worst procedure.  We don't tell them how bad it is because nobody would do it."  Hey, thanks!  Oh, and thanks for those two Tylenol you gave me afterward...those really knocked it out...no.  Anyway, after that was done (which, btw they sent the tissue samples off for testing and it all came back clear...go my tissue) we met with one of the nurses to tell us how to do the injections.  I started on Lupron that day, which (I think) suppresses my ovaries.  I was on 10 units of Lupron for about a week and a half and then when we started stimulation injections they took me down to 5 units.  I think the Lupron is used as a safeguard against ovulating too soon when using the stim drugs.  Perhaps I should know what I'm injecting into my stomach (oh yeah...in my stomach, not my ass) but I just am going with the flow and doing what they say.  It's so not Jill-like :)

So...did the Lupron for 10 days then went in for what's called my baseline ultrasound.  I had gotten my period in between then so they ultrasounded me to make sure my lining was under a 4 - mine was a 2.4, so perfect - and to check for any cysts on my ovaries.  None of those!  They also checked follicles.  They saw 7 on the right and 6 on the left.  We were so stoked!  13!!  That means we would have at minimum 13 eggs!!  Right?!  Not so much...I'll come back to that later.  So the night of my baseline it was time to start the stim injections along with the Lupron.  Oh, I also started taking the steroid (to keep the killer cells at bay) and a baby aspirin, which they have every IVF patient take.  The baby aspirin is making me bleed a lot and bruise everywhere.  This was to be expected.  They have signs all over the blood taking room (phlabotobrary?) about how "patients taking baby aspirin may experience more bleeding a bruising". Got that...so maybe that's a good sign? I'm looking for all the good signs I can get. 

Ok, so started the stim drugs.  Might I say...ouchie.  The needle doesn't hurt, but the med is really thick.  It's 4 bottles of powder mixed with one unit of water...thick.  It burns going in and thank the good Lord for Josh because he knows how to mix it and has a secret trick that makes it burn less.  Essentially he squeezes the area of tummy fat really fast while injecting it and it has it spread quicker under the skin.  That's right...I just said I enjoy that my husband has to squeeze my fat.  New low. 

Anyway, went in for my first monitoring yesterday morning and didn't get great news.  I only have 8 follicles now and they are less than 10mm.  This is "not great" in the words of my short-worded doctor.  We were hoping for like 20.  I mean, hopefully we will only need 1 but I can't lie I had a complete panic attack after I left the doc yesterday.  8 follicles doesn't necessarily mean 8 eggs.  Even if we do get 8 eggs, not all of them will be mature enough, then not all of them will fertilize, then not all of them will live to day 5, then all of them will not come back genetically ok.  So 8 follicles doesn't mean 8 embryos ready for transfer.  It's really disheartening, but there's nothing I can do about it.  They upped my meds to make sure those 8 get really mature.  All we can do right now is hope that the new dosage of meds works and gets them super mature and there are indeed 8 eggs in there.  Since the upped my meds I had to drop another $500 to get more, and therefore had to cancel our massive party we had planned for this weekend.  The timing just wasn't right.  When I planned the date for the party I didn't know it would be right in the midst of our IVF cycle.  I didn't really want to have to sneak away to do my injections, and we also have to go back on saturday for monitoring.  The stress was just too much.  It's kind of the raddest party all year so that sucks...but we can do it later...hopefully. 

So right now, I'm pretty down in the dumps, but I suppose we will know more on Saturday.  I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to host a party if we got bad news on Saturday and I had more panic attacks.  That's just not fun for anyone.

So from here I just keep getting shot (I'm running out of new places) and pray that my follies get large.  I wish I could give the wide-eyed emoji right now.