therapylover

So Josh and I go tomorrow for our couple's session with my the-rapist, Dr. A.  I'm super stoked about it!  I sent her over the consulation form that Dr. P's office gave us this morning so we can all be prepared for tomorrow.  I'm really excited for Josh to meet Dr. A.  I seriously love her.  Therapy is way different than I thought it would be.  Keeping in mind that I've done work my whole life on "self discovery and improvement" so I kind of thought that's how therapy was going to be.  Not so much.  I actually get to just have word vomit and talk about my feelings.  Weird :) Dr. A has really helped me so far and has really gotten me thinking about a lot of things and had me distinguish a lot of things too.  She rocks.  I can't wait to see what else is in store.  And I told her about how Dr. P won't let us start the IVF treatments until we see a counselor and I told him I already see someone and they'll let me use her.  She said she would absolutely do whatever we needed her to.  So, tomorrow should be fun! Hope we pass the pre IVF test ;)

I'm an A+

Not only is my blood type A+ but as is my uterine lining!  And my uterus is "beautiful" :)  2 things I never thought I'd care about but yay go me!!  I had my saline sonogram and my trial transfer this morning and all went smoothly.  No fibroids or polyps that would hinder implantation and everything looks great.  Also, this was my first procedure with Dr. P and I will say I thoroughly enjoyed his bedside manner.  I know I had said before that I didn't care much for him, but as I'm getting to know him more I actually really appreciate how he handles his business.  Turns out he's just a gigantic science nerd and loves what he does.  He also takes it very seriously, and I can tell now that he's getting to know my personality he knows that I'm not some dry, depressed, infertile woman and that h can actually have a persoality around me.  I can imagine a lot of women are not like that.  It's meshing quite well. :)

So, hopefully we are going to Hawaii, because we can't start IVF until at least March anyway.  Intrallipids are on back order.  Joy.  Actually, I am ok with this because I am terrified of what's to come and I feel like we can take it slower and I would feel more comfortable.  For instance, I'm starting the pill at my next period.  Thats right...the birth control pill.  It's been SO long (at least 5 years) since I've been on the pill that I for real don't remember how to use it.  So I'm like a 15 year old girl like "um, so when do I start and what happens if I forget a pill...heh" They were really awesome though.  I am a-ok with starting the pill and letting my body get at least a little used to that before the next drug.  Plus, if I'm on the pill I can fenagle the days to make sure that I'm not on my period if we are in Hawaii! 

I also asked if Josh was allowed to ride his bike.  He hasn't been on his bike in months because, well, I'm pretty sure he's terrified of my wrath that that could potentially harm his soldiers.  (I'm a peach, I swear) The nurse practitioner said that he can ride 3-4 times a week but needs to remove his compression shorts immediately and take a cool shower after.  Haha.  I'm not sure why that makes m giggle...I'm such an adult. 

so much to type

I've been avoiding writing this post because it's just a lot to type.  But I'll want to remember this one day :) So here it goes.  We had our appointment with Dr. P after ALL results were in.  It was quite informative.  My NKC's were elevated and put on the placental sample, the intrallipids did not stop them from attacking.  The IVIG did (that's the insanely expensive infusion) but not the intrallipids (the cheaper of the infusions).  So, they want to do steroid therapy along with the intrallipid infusions.  He said that they have yet to have a patient with my same NKC numbers that the steroid plus intrallipid hasn't worked on.  So, that's something.  That's step one.  Step two is GETTING me pregnant.  Doing IUI we have a 20% chance of getting pregnant and a 15-20% chance of miscarriage.  Those are the actual percentages for a reproductively healthy person.  So essentially, doing the steroids plus intrallipids puts me "normal". The IUI entails, steroids, intrallipids, Letrizole (to stimulate ovulation), FSH (follicle stimulating hormone which stimulate the follicles in my ovaries), trigger shot (shot of hcg to make my ovaries release the eggs) and inserting Josh's boys via catheter at the time of ovulation.  Onto IVF with embryo genetic testing.  65% chance of getting pregnant and 5% chance of miscarriage.  Those are some odds I like.  The reason for the chance of miscarriage being so low is because of the genetic testing on the embryo's.  The major reason for m/c in the first place is because a genetic issue with the embryo, so testing them (while it's not 100%...nothing is) cuts that risk way down.  IVF entails the birth control pill (holy crap I haven't been on the pill in like 7 years), steroids (get ready for roid rage), intrallipids (which is essentially fat being pumped into my veins), lupron (which blocks any testosterone in my system...my dad is on the same thing for his prostate cancer...maybe they'll do a bogo??) Letrizole (hope it doesn't make me as crazy as clomid did), FSH (sure to make me nuts), indictable hormones (more crazy), trigger shot (people take hcg shots to make them skinny..), narcotics for pain (probably vomit from those :), surgery (under heavy anesthesia - will definitely vomit...warned Dr. P about that one!) for egg retrieval, putting our bits in a dish (please find each other and mate), having them meet together, making embryos, testing them for genetic issues, and then inserting the good embryo's via catheter around 5-6 days after retrieval (are you in there little fetus.  in 9 months will you come greet us.  I will buy you some Adidas). Actually, it's possible that a live transfer won't happen.  If I have too much estrogen in my system when it's time for embryo transfer they will freeze those little buggers and wait until the following month.  Glad to know that's a possibility up front.  It's scaring the bejesus out of me honestly. As much as I try to make light of it, this is no joke.  Surgery.  Scary.  I'll need my besticle, Jo, to talk me through it.  She's a pro :) So...from the date I start my period to the date of egg retrieval is about 6 weeks.  That's a long ass time.  And a lot of drugs.  And I'm scared I'll be insane.  And I probably will be. 


Anyway, after much consideration we have opted for IVF.  Basically because IUI can add up and may not work and that's 4 grand down the toilet to just start over.  And most importantly because the risk of miscarriage is so much less.  100% honesty right here...I'm not sure I would emotionally recover from another miscarriage that was decently far along.  My husband and therapist agree :) Obviously it's hard any time anyone goes through losing a baby, but I still need to work on why I'm having such a hard time moving on.  If you ask me it's because of how the miscarriage happened.  That would scar anyone!  (I'll bring this up in my next session :)) So, doing IVF...we will know that we have tried everything we could. 

Now, timing.  We might be going to Hawaii!!  Score!!  Josh may have won a trip to Maui through his company and we will find out like 3 days before I should start next month.  Which actually works out perfectly.  If we are going then we will wait to start the drugs and the process until we get back (can we say wastey face in Hawaii?!?!)  It would be so awesome if we can go.  One of Josh's co-workers and his wife and Josh and I are basically the same humans and we love hanging out together and I'm pretty sure they're going so we are crossing our fingers that Josh's Q2 didn't screw him last year and his numbers were up enough!!  ha!  It's left up to us on when to start.  What a refreshing change of pace :)

Now, diet.  Dr. P wasn't so knocked in the head about my vegan lifestyle so Jill is back to lean protein and veggies.  Which is fine.  I'm still staying away from dairy because I just hate how I feel when I eat it.  Josh is ridiculously excited about eating meat.  Poor guy had been deprived for so long :) He checked me for celiac disease and that came back negative so that's cool.  I'm still staying away from carbs because all these drugs are going to make me insanely fat.  While I'm not concerned about gaining weight while pregnant I am concerned about gaining weight having it be another reason for infertility.  Speaking of maintaining weight...my home gym is pretty rad!  With my dumbbells, kettle bells and Resistance bands!  I can play my music as loud as I want and I just got a notification (via splice, the greatest app ever invented) that my new cycling trainer has been delivered to my house!!!!  I can pop my bike on there and ride til the cows come home (or until I whack one of my nosey dogs in the head with my pedal while biking in the living room and watching Friends) and I'm SO excited!  I'm also starting to take a yoga class once a week.  The nurse practitioner at Dr. P's office suggested I start doing that for my sanity while going through the IVF Process.  Alright, girl, I shall do that! Stoked about that too! She also said that I can't take on any extra projects at work or home during the IVF process too.  Funny, what I heard is that Josh needs to do the laundry...no?

And lastly, I have to go BACK to Dr. P's office on Tuesday (he has been very clear that they have to own my schedule during this process because it's a LOT of monitoring and doing things when things are thick or not too thick, etc ;)) to have another saline sonogram to make sure I don't have any polyps or fibroids that would hinder implantation.  Yes, I've had this done once, but it was at a certain time during my cycle and he wants another one at another time during my cycle.  Alrighty, sounds good.  At that time they will also do a "trial transfer" which, if I understand correctly, will measure my lady bits so they can assure a smooth real transfer.  I appreciate the attention to detail...you know, like they don't do this day in and day out ;)

Well, that's all I've got for now.  Oh, except for the fact that we are trying to move.  We be cray!

I love getting less money for the same amount of work!

Imagine my excitement when I opened my pay check and it's less than before!!  I can't WAIT to pay for someone's free abortion!!!

as the uterus turns

Got a call from Dr. P's office on Friday about 12:45 and it was Erica.  Erica is not a nurse.  Erica is not a doctor.  Erica is the chick that schedules Dr. P's appointments.  Crap.  She said Dr. P looked over our results and we need to come in to discuss them with him. I asked her if she could give me ANY indication as to what the results were as Josh is going out of town all freaking week this coming week which means we won't be able to get in there until the following week and I'm about to rip out my eyeballs lying in limbo.  Blah.  Her response was, "These Natural Killer Cells are super complicated so he wants to speak with you guys."  I said, "So, this is an indication that my blood work came back that my NKC's attacked the placental sample?" Erica, "I'm not really sure.  All I can see are the notes he wrote on your chart." Me, "And they are?" Erica, "He wants you two to come back in to discuss intralipid infusions and possible steroid therapy before your cycle."  All I can assume is that, yes, my NKC's (the cytokines...crazy white blood cells that are attacking baby cohens) did not do so well in their testing and we have to do the infusions.  Still don't know about whether or not Josh is mutated the same as I am, but I guess we'll find out on the 14th.  A whole damn week away. 

Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist (which Josh and I refer to only as my 'The-Rapist'...I'll take the-rapist for 400 Alex...get it...) Friday evening so I was able to tell her all about this.  My session was quite interesting for me.  We were talking about all the infertility stuff and adoption and things.  Because that's what you do in therapy?  You talk about what's going on in your life?  Weird.  Anyway, and she asked me if I saw adoption as the "easy way out?"  I didn't understand what she meant at first.  She didn't mean that adopting is easy...because it is NOT.  There's a lot that can go wrong during the adoption process.  A lot.  People change their minds, you may not get approved, you may wait years and years, etc.  But what she meant was do I see adoption as an emotional way out.  I had to simmer on that for a few days.  I couldn't answer that right away.  But this morning I realized it.  I really realized that I DO want to have a baby of my own.  I want to experience pregnancy. I want to have a huge belly.  I want to have the experience of going to the hospital and delivering a baby and seeing and holding my baby for the first time.  Yes, I really do want those things.  I've been really busy pretending that I didn't in case it wasn't in the cards for us and I wouldn't be devastated.  I have a tendency to do that.  To protect my feelings at all cost.  I'm not sure what that's about but I'll need to do a little more searching :) So, yes...I want it and I'm terrified that I'll never get it.  And truth be told, it's a possibility that we won't get it.  And we can deal with that at that time.  And if surrogacy or adoption is our only option, then obviously we will do that but I think it's pretty ok for me to want to be pregnant even if it means it hurts worse in the end.  There's that song by Eli Young Band and one of the lyrics is "keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart." I always wondered why I couldn't listen to that song without getting choked up...huh...now I know. 

The other thing my the-rapist wanted me to take a look at was when is enough enough?  I have been very up front with Josh that if I miscarry again like I did the 2nd time (the time I was 11 weeks) I honestly fear I won't emotionally recover from that.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  I think it was because of HOW it happened.  Not necessarily THAT it happened, but how it did.  It was extremely traumatic...extremely...and I'm afraid of it again.  So Josh asked me if I was afraid to try to get pregnant again.  No.  I'm not that afraid.  I feel like we are going through all of this to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.  But if it happens again...I'm probably done.  I just wouldn't be able to handle it.  Hell, I'm not even recovered from the last one.

In lighter news, I went running.  And it was awesome.  And I'm going to keep running for a bit.  We can't try to get pregnant right now and working out is my sanity...so I'm gonna do it.  :)

thumbs down

In case anyone was wondering...haven't heard anything yet...annoyed...

a very happy 2013 to all!

Last year I claimed 2012 as the year of Jill...didn't so much happen.  2 miscarriages, my Tucker boy almost dying and a dad diagnosed with stage 4 cancer don't really make for a great year, but that damn year is over now.  I also recognize that 2012 was great for a lot of things.  I completely changed my diet and I feel so much better now it's unbelievable.  I've become a pescatarian/vegan hybrid :) No meat or dairy but I do eat eggs and seafood.  I've acquired a home gym so I can work out whenever I want to stay healthy.  Josh and I are in a better place than we ever have been and I really have awesome relationships with my friends.  I went skiing for the first time in my life in 2012 which was awesome!  Shout out to NPF! My brother came back from Seattle for 6 months (then moved to Jacksonville to go back to school - good job Bud!)  Got a new pup - can you even handle these two? -

and all sorts of other fun things.  Josh and I have gotten to a place where I don't have to work full time when we do ever have a mini Cohen and I've started seeing a therapist that I can just have word vomit on and feel like a more complete person!  I guess I could say that 2012 certainly prepped me for anything good to happen in 2013 :)

And speaking of prepping for 2013...spoke to my RE nurse yesterday and our test results are in.  Dr P had been out of the office for Christmas and New Years (psha, like he deserves a vacation??  Doesn't he know I'm waiting for lab results?! ;)) and is back this morning so he was going to look over them and they were going to call me today with the results.  I figure it's that my uterus has grown teeth and is chomping the babies while my immune system attacks it from every other angle and spits it out :)  Good God I'm disturbed!

Anyway, Happy New Year to all!