...

I'm trying to stay positive, I really am.  But knowing that our 3rd embryo didn't make it to freeze and this is our only shot is seriously wearing on me.  I can't stop crying.  I'll blame the hormones.  

now we wait

For anyone that ever goes through IVF, allow me to give you this little tid bit of information...you go into it nervous about the shots and if they're going to hurt and how you're going to feel and all of that.  That part is NOTHING compared to the emotional and mental hoops that you have to jump through after egg retrieval.  The shots and the hormones, while they did make me cry, were nothing.  The actual egg retrieval procedure was a cake walk.  One minute I'm high on valium, the next minute I'm waking up next to Josh cracking up about the fact that I got a Brazilian before retrieval.  Then came the hard part.  We got 6 eggs.  six.  ONLY SIX F*$*@#$ING eggs after all that??  I was not happy.  I don't remember this but apparently when I was still in the procedure room (heavily drugged) I kept asking how many they got and they told me 6 and I started crying.  Again, I don't remember, but I'm sure I did.  We were hoping for more like, oh, I don't know, 15?!  Anyway, we got 6.  They said they were nice a mature, so that was good.  But still...6.  Then they told me they were going to give me daily updates on how they were doing.  Which they did and I appreciated that.  They thought they would have to do ICSI (inject the sperm directly into the egg) since there were so few, but Josh has super sperm and they didn't end up having to do it.  They called me the next day and let me know that 5 had fertilized.  Now, statistically 5 out of 6 is great.  So, at least we had that in our favor.  So, ok, 5 out of 6 fertilized naturally, now we wait to see how they grow.  I get a call the next day and let me know that 4 out of the 5 had made it through.  Our numbers are dwindling and I'm panicking.  She also hit me with this nugget: since we are dealing with such small numbers, they won't do the genetic testing on the embryos.  Holy hell.  That's a large part of why we decided to do IVF in the first place! The reasoning is that it can sometimes damage the embryo.  As we are looking at only having 4 or less (most likely less, because they won't all live from day 3 to day 5) then they won't do the testing.  I got as much information as I could from her and called Josh immediately.  After many conversations about it, we were on the same page.  Even though miscarrying would be a HORRID thing again (the reason we wanted to do the genetic testing was to eliminate that risk) it's not worth risking the health of potentially normal embryos. So we said we were comfortable doing a fresh transfer without the testing. The nurses agreed with our decision, and said that's what they would have recommended and then we started talking about the next step. The embryologist said that she was pretty confident that they little embryos would make it to day 5.  In IVF you can either do a 3 day transfer or a 5 day transfer.  At day 3 they have 8 cells (if they've divided normally...and we had 4 that had) and then by the time they make it to day 5 they will have over 100 cells.  That's a LOT for a teeny embryo to go through and that is why I was a nerve ball all weekend.  There was no way they would all survive the growth to day 5.  The nurse told me that they are EXTREMELY conservative on which embryos they let grow in the lab until day 5 because a lot of them won't make it, but ours looked really great they have confidence in them. Side note, day 5 transfers are less common because embryos don't always make it to day 5, but they are MUCH more successful and stronger.  We felt more confident having not done the genetic screening because it's thought to be that day 5 embryos are less likely to have genetic issues, as they wouldn't have survived so long...I digress.  She said they would call me on Sunday morning (this was on Friday afternoon) to let me know how they were doing and schedule our time for transfer.  Ooooookkkkk.  I mean, it's not uncommon for 50% of them to not make it to day 5.  I was really nervous.  Then Sunday morning I was even more nervous because they didn't call until 12:30.  I kept saying to Josh, "Omg, they all died and they don't have the heart to tell me."  He said that he really didn't think that was the case.  Well, he was right.  Got the call from the nurse and we had 3 that had made it to day 5!  Great news! Again, statistically 3 our of 4 is really good.  Clearly they're strong ;)  So we reiterated the fact that we didn't want to risk harm to the good ones and we were ready to do a fresh transfer.  She set my time up for 1:00 the next day (Monday). On Monday we had 1 beautiful, perfect blastocyst and 1 that was just a little behind, but could see the different parts of the embryo that you're supposed to see (I'm so smart), transferred into my uterus. The process was a breeze.  I had to have a VERY full bladder so the ultrasound waves could travel through easier and they could see my uterus and then they just stuck a catheter up there and shot them in.   It took about 5 minutes. Science is amazing.  We were excited because we had two great embryos transferred and were hoping we would have one on ice!

Now we wait.  I'm basically going crazy.  I know I've brought this on myself, because I am a talker and I tell everything to everybody (not really, just my close friends and family), but I just want to retreat and not speak to people until the 2 week wait is up.  I want to put a mass text out that says, "Hi everyone, crazy here.  I'm going away for a while.  If I talk to you and care to share good news with you, that's great.  If I don't...don't ask."  I just feel like (again, I recognize I brought this on myself) if this doesn't work I will have let so many people down.  Perhaps that's my own insecurity, but that's how it feels.  Like I'm a failure...again.

The other embryo they were watching didn't make it.  We literally put all our eggs in my basket.  This is our only shot.  I certainly hope it works. The nurses are very hopeful as the day 5 blasts they transferred were good quality.  Here's to hoping...  

just have to laugh about it

So last night was trigger!  I was nervous because it had to go into the muscle and the needle was long.  Eeek! It turns out I'm way more of a wuss in my head than in real life.  I kind of have to give myself some credit.  I'm thinking my pain tolerance is a little higher than I thought. ;)  So my alarm went off at 8:20 to prep the shot and then again at 8:30 to actually have the shot - please see photo, for I'm trying to photo document the whole process!

So, at 8:20 Josh prepped the syringe and I went to lie down on the couch with a bag of Brussels sprouts on the bulls eye.  I wish what happened next had been video documented because I feel like we could have made a pretty penny.  So there I am, lying on the couch with a pillow under my ass (because I needed to lie down and disengage my ass muscles) and Josh comes over with the syringe behind his ear - again, please see photo. When I saw him I started cracking up and had to take a pic

 

so he sits down and preps the bulls eye with alcohol and I'm like, "oh man this is gonna hurt!!" I had requested before that he not give me a countdown...just stick me (that's what she said) so I knew a countdown wasn't coming.  Then I felt the stick and I yell "Is it in the muscle?!  Make sure it's in the muscle!!" And Josh is all, "Would you calm down, I know what I'm doing." Then it was over.  Just like that.  No pain, no dramatics (aside from my yelling...thank God he loves me...) and now I have nothing to do except grow my eggies!

 

The injection site is pretty sore today, which I'm thankful for because I know for sure it was in the muscle ;)

 

Now we wait.  I'm just anticipating the ovulation pains to hit me at any moment.  Maybe the won't because maybe my pains come when the egg is actually released from the follicle.  That would rule!  I still can't wear regular pants...today's attire is brought to you by elastic waisted, linen pants and a loose top. 

 

Lastly, last night I was going to get up and clean my house (oh, because it's being put on the market tomorrow...we like to do as many things as once as possible ;)) and Josh goes, "No, how about you lay down and do nothing except grow eggs."  Welp, don't have to tell me more than once.

 

Tomorrow's the big day!  Tonight I will visualize 8 big strong eggs ready for fertilization!  



trigger happy

Well, holy shit, I guess I'm gonna do this thing.  Went in for monitoring this morning and I have some seriously rockin follicles.  Still only 8 good ones, but they are really great numbers.  There's other smaller ones in there that might get big enough but I'm not counting on them.  I'm still not super pleased with only having 8 but I'm hopeful that these 8 are the cat's pajamas!  My lining has progressed quite well.  I'm at 14mm which is "perfect" in the words of my, yet again, short-worded doc and my e2 (estrogen) level has risen perfectly also.   When I was leaving this morning, Dr. P said he was going to wait til my blood work came back today to determine if we will trigger tonight or do one more day of injections and trigger tomorrow.  He "wants to make sure it's all perfect."  Preashy, Dr. P.  I had taken the last of my injections this morning.  He wanted me to do that bc he was thinking we would trigger tonight (and he wanted FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) in my system throughout today) and if not I'd have to order more meds (please no...we've already spent $3500 on them!) but it was up in the air when I left.  I did meet with the nurse to show me where to have Josh give me the trigger shot (I'm clear it's going to hurt like a bia).  She drew a circle on my hip where it needs to go.  Basically a bulls eye.

Well...got the call!  We are indeed triggering tonight!  My e2 levels came back ready for trigger.  Retrieval is at 8:30 am exactly on Wednesday!  Eeeek!  I'm freaking a little!  I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm ready for it to be over, I'm...everything. 

Also, I feel like ass.  I felt really good for a while, but now I just feel fat, bloated and gross.  I actually can't wear pants. My abdomen is sore.  It's like when you're in the beginning of your pregnancy and you only want to wear stretchy pants.  I put on my fat jeans on Saturday and they were snug.  I decided not to care and ate Mexican food that day. I have a constant headache and I'm nauseated.  I suppose I can handle a week of feeling like this (ok hopefully a lot more weeks to come!) to get a baby :)  My attitude is DRASTICALLY improved from yesterday.  I mean, the emotion is right at the tip of my eyes constantly.  Like, don't eat my challah and I won't cry.  But if you look at me wrong I will destroy you.  True story. 

Lastly, I think it's so cute that they give me an ultrasound pic of the size of my follicles.  I have 2 now.  Going in the baby book :)  I'm keeping a positive attitude because my therapist says to.  I joke, I joke.  I really am trying to keep a positive attitude because there's nothing I can do to change any of it.  I'm only accepting the good right now. I have been visualizing at night before bed.  I visualize my follicles getting bigger and my lining thickening.  Soon I'll be visualizing implantation and healthy growth! No negativity (from outside sources or my own head) is allowed in, nor do I really care for there to be any.  Just because I can't stop crying doesn't mean I'm in a bad place!  The tears are strictly hormonal...there's only good going on inside this head :)

thank you, Tai!

thank you for bringing this to my attention.  I want to touch their hiney's.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5EnsjrDsVyI&feature=youtu.be

the dreaded post!

I have totally not updated about our IVF journey so far.  Can't figure out why I keep putting it off, but I suppose it doesn't matter :) Someone else is using my office for the day, so I don't have my files, and am left here to update my blog.  So here goes nothin. 

First things first...the day we came back from Hawaii I went in for my "endometrial scraping" AKA taking a razor blade to the inside of my uterus.  All dramatics aside, that was probably the worst pain I've ever been in.  Seriously.  That procedure was horrid.  I actually frightened Josh by my reaction.  I've had some procedures that hurt and I've toughed it out, but this one was different.  I'm talking insta-tears.  And crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath.  Josh had to keep telling me to breathe.  It sucked ass, for lack of a better term.  Well, after that was done I went to the bathroom and the nurse says to Josh, "Yeah, that's the worst procedure.  We don't tell them how bad it is because nobody would do it."  Hey, thanks!  Oh, and thanks for those two Tylenol you gave me afterward...those really knocked it out...no.  Anyway, after that was done (which, btw they sent the tissue samples off for testing and it all came back clear...go my tissue) we met with one of the nurses to tell us how to do the injections.  I started on Lupron that day, which (I think) suppresses my ovaries.  I was on 10 units of Lupron for about a week and a half and then when we started stimulation injections they took me down to 5 units.  I think the Lupron is used as a safeguard against ovulating too soon when using the stim drugs.  Perhaps I should know what I'm injecting into my stomach (oh yeah...in my stomach, not my ass) but I just am going with the flow and doing what they say.  It's so not Jill-like :)

So...did the Lupron for 10 days then went in for what's called my baseline ultrasound.  I had gotten my period in between then so they ultrasounded me to make sure my lining was under a 4 - mine was a 2.4, so perfect - and to check for any cysts on my ovaries.  None of those!  They also checked follicles.  They saw 7 on the right and 6 on the left.  We were so stoked!  13!!  That means we would have at minimum 13 eggs!!  Right?!  Not so much...I'll come back to that later.  So the night of my baseline it was time to start the stim injections along with the Lupron.  Oh, I also started taking the steroid (to keep the killer cells at bay) and a baby aspirin, which they have every IVF patient take.  The baby aspirin is making me bleed a lot and bruise everywhere.  This was to be expected.  They have signs all over the blood taking room (phlabotobrary?) about how "patients taking baby aspirin may experience more bleeding a bruising". Got that...so maybe that's a good sign? I'm looking for all the good signs I can get. 

Ok, so started the stim drugs.  Might I say...ouchie.  The needle doesn't hurt, but the med is really thick.  It's 4 bottles of powder mixed with one unit of water...thick.  It burns going in and thank the good Lord for Josh because he knows how to mix it and has a secret trick that makes it burn less.  Essentially he squeezes the area of tummy fat really fast while injecting it and it has it spread quicker under the skin.  That's right...I just said I enjoy that my husband has to squeeze my fat.  New low. 

Anyway, went in for my first monitoring yesterday morning and didn't get great news.  I only have 8 follicles now and they are less than 10mm.  This is "not great" in the words of my short-worded doctor.  We were hoping for like 20.  I mean, hopefully we will only need 1 but I can't lie I had a complete panic attack after I left the doc yesterday.  8 follicles doesn't necessarily mean 8 eggs.  Even if we do get 8 eggs, not all of them will be mature enough, then not all of them will fertilize, then not all of them will live to day 5, then all of them will not come back genetically ok.  So 8 follicles doesn't mean 8 embryos ready for transfer.  It's really disheartening, but there's nothing I can do about it.  They upped my meds to make sure those 8 get really mature.  All we can do right now is hope that the new dosage of meds works and gets them super mature and there are indeed 8 eggs in there.  Since the upped my meds I had to drop another $500 to get more, and therefore had to cancel our massive party we had planned for this weekend.  The timing just wasn't right.  When I planned the date for the party I didn't know it would be right in the midst of our IVF cycle.  I didn't really want to have to sneak away to do my injections, and we also have to go back on saturday for monitoring.  The stress was just too much.  It's kind of the raddest party all year so that sucks...but we can do it later...hopefully. 

So right now, I'm pretty down in the dumps, but I suppose we will know more on Saturday.  I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to host a party if we got bad news on Saturday and I had more panic attacks.  That's just not fun for anyone.

So from here I just keep getting shot (I'm running out of new places) and pray that my follies get large.  I wish I could give the wide-eyed emoji right now.

The best vacation of our lives

This trip to Hawaii was unreal.  I mean, absolutely amazing.  We did and saw things that really are once in a lifetime opportunities.  I jumped off a freaking waterfall!  Well, Josh did too, but he wasn't nearly as scared as I was! That was during our rain forest and waterfall hike.  That was pretty bad ass.  I definitely didn't think I was going to be jumping off waterfalls that day.  I actually jumped off 2.  Go me! We saw a mama and baby whale next to our boat on the way back from snorkeling in the most amazing site ever and then we saw mama whale breach twice so close to us!  It was truly unbelievable.  And loud! Everyone on the boat just stood there with our jaws on the floor.  That thing was MASSIVE.  I have pics of all of this but I'll post a picture post next week when I get them all uploaded.  The snorkeling was at Molokini, which is this half moon looking island that is SO clear and there are thousands of fish and so much coral.  Josh was in heaven. We were the last ones to get back on the boat and they had to call out to us that it was time.  heh!  Josh would point at one and then come to the top and be like, "Did you see that rainbow banded trigger???" I'm like, "uh, the purple one?  Yeah totally saw that!"  He was geeking out over the fish...but hey, that's his thing.  Whenever we saw one that is the same kind of fish we own I was like, "did you see that gigantic Eugene??" Well, because I've named all our fish old people names, and he would laugh at me. All in all that experience was so cool.  We had a luau with his company that was fun and they catered dinner at this place called Sugarman's Estate on our first night and the food was RIDICULOUS.  I mean...so freaking good.  Also, Steven Tyler had just purchased the house next door to Sugarman's so I was totally hoping to see him, but he wasn't there.  That's probably for the best, as I would have made a scene and embarrassed Josh in front of his co-workers. ;)

  We also decided to take the road to Hana.  I'm SO glad we did it.  It took quite a bit of convincing Josh to do it because he wasn't really interested in spending a day of his vacation in a car BUT I won and we took the trip.  We got a jeep wrangler and opened the top (which was how I convinced the boys to go...however this has completely backfired on me because now Josh wants a wrangler and will NOT stop talking about it...oy!) But let me tell you about this trip.  It was so cool.  I would so have regretted it if we hadn't done it.  We saw black sand beaches, walked through lava tubes, stood in the middle of the ocean on hardened lava, ate a chili cheese dog on the way (per the guidance of our "road to Hana" CD - it was delicious) saw AMAZING waterfalls (also saw one from the top which was really cool) drove through Hana (if you blink you'll miss it) and then instead of taking the road back down we kept going and drove the back side of Maui back to the resort.  That was Josh's favorite part.  We were legit off-roading on skinny roads with nothing in between the car and the gigantic cliff leading to death by pacific ocean.  It was scary as hell and Josh was giggling like a little girl in pink panties the whole time.  Probably because he was driving so he knew he was in control...while the rest of us (me and the Curran's...we practically did the entire vacation together :)) were clenching our butt cheeks. The views were incredible.  Different from the road to Hana.  Not green and lush like the irrigated side, but rocky and there was this one area that looked like the grand canyon.  We were all like, "Whoooooooaaa!!"  It was just so cool.  Did I mention I'm so glad we did it?!

The day after Hana was when everyone else left, but we switched resorts for 2 days.  So glad we did that!  I was not ready to come back.  What was super cool was that we decided to rent snorkel gear from our resort and check out the beach right there.  Um...there were 4 gigantic sea turtles right on the lava bed like 2 feet from the shore.  There was a sea turtle roughly 24 inches from my face at one point.  I can't tell a lie...when that thing looked at me in the face I freaked and grabbed Josh's leg and swam as fast as I could backward.  I mean, sure they're docile and all...until they're not.  That bitch could head butt me or flap his goofy flipper and knock me out!  What?  I'm a complete scaredy cat...it's fine.

The trip was a once in a lifetime trip and I'm so glad we got the opportunity.  Maui FTW!

here's what IVF looks like

Before it all gets injected into my ass here's what my BOX OF MEDS looks like.  Hey, only 3 grand for this...

 

And we even got our very own biohazard waste bucket!  Josh is definitely going to feel like a Dr. while administering my daily shots ;)

 

we are a go

Alright, after a decently stressful week full of tough decisions to be made, we have made a large one.  We are going ahead with IVF when we get back from Hawaii (which we leave ONE WEEK from today!)  So, we met with Dr. P on Tuesday and he was very clear that he wanted to discuss the Sjogren's with my rheumy to talk about the specific drugs needed to keep my immune system at bay/if we needed to still do the steroid and intrallipid along with the Planquenil, which is the anti-malaria drug that is used to treat Sjogren's.  Dr. P said his main concern was heart block for the baby.  As was ours.  Obviously he's not going to put us in a situation that would be bad.  I do trust him.  He's not interested in using me as research.  He really does want to get us our baby.  I got a call from my Rheum on Tuesday afternoon (dr P wasted no time calling him!  I appreciate that) and he said that after talking with Dr. P, they discussed what each of their plans are, Dr. P to  get us the baby, Dr. F (Rheum) for keeping me healthy, and they agreed to start me on the Plaquenil ASAP as it takes a few weeks to really start working.  I was waiting to hear from Dr. P as to what research he had done and if IVF was in our best interest.  We ended up emailing on Friday and here's what transpired: I asked about the risk of heart block, etc and he said, "Less than 1-2% and you only have one marker.  So, I really don't think the risk is going to be much.  And, we are taking precautions, so I think it would be quite low.  If the baby's heart beat is found to be slow, then you get started on a steroid.  You would be followed along by a high risk OB, but I don't think you should have big problems. Dr. P"  Of course there's no guarantee...hence why the doc talk of "I think" and "I don't think" is all over that.  Now, I had mentioned before my concern about taking all these drugs while pregnant.  I told Dr P. that in our consult.  And he was very honest with me.  He said, "I totally hear that and understand.  I'm not trying to disregard your concern but you have nothing to be worried about.  The drugs you would take would be completely safe." Ok.  I mean, at some point I need to relinquish control and trust.  I guess...

Truthfully, I feel good about this decision now.  Call me Ms. Cleo, but I just knew there was something else going on under there and now that we know and are taking precautions against it I feel so much better.  I will be considered high risk...which I would have been anyway because of the 4 miscarriages...but now with Sjogren's they're going to take me seriously ;)  I'm not sure if Dr. M is a high risk OB and if I can't see him I'll be sad, but obviously the OB I feel comfortable with right now isn't the priority, seeing an OB that deals with high risk cases all the time is.  I can build a relationship with anyone...I don't do "acquaintances" :)

The other thing that's good about being diagnosed before starting IVF is that often times women get diagnosed after delivery (either because baby has heart block or because they literally can't get out of bed afterward due to joint pain, etc) and they have a really terrible time shortly after delivering, but I'm ahead of the game, as I started the Plaquenil so that should keep those symptoms at bay.

In lighter news, the Plaquenil hasn't made me sick at all.  It can often cause severe nausea and other stomach complications but I feel really great actually.  It's funny, (as per my first post, my nose and sinuses are ALWAYS dry.  Like, painfully dry. When I went to visit Nicole in Denver I could barely bathe because my skin and hair was so dry and I was putting Vaseline up my nose like it was my job) the other day at work I was sitting at my desk and I sniffled and wiped my nose and I was astounded because my nose was running!  Guess these pills are gonna do their thing...now to clear up my skin shit...any day now ;)

So, we leave a week from today and are going to have a kick ass time.  Lots of relaxing and enjoying ourselves and come back and get this show on the road!  I'm actually excited now!

hi ho, hi ho, back to the doc we go

I got the blood results back on the specific antibodies of the Sjogren's Syndrome and I carry ss-b antigen.  Now, per some of my research I discovered that ss-a is the one that can cause heart failure in le bebe or infantile lupus.  I was all Good New Kids!  Then I saw that that may not be true. The interwebs are a scary place, folks.  In the words of my Jo, I'm an excellent amateur physician.  Truer words have never been spoken.  So, don't know what the story is and am waiting to talk to Dr. P to see what he has to say.  We have our appointment today at 12:40.  Guess we'll know something today.  Who wants to make a bet that the words "we need to do some more testing" will happen?!?!  ce qui sera sera

as if I wasn't terrified enough

I am a google junkie.  I would shoot the information I get from google straight into my vein and regurgitate it to anyone that asked if I could.  I google...everything.  Some people think I'm smart, but in all actuality, I just research EVERYTHING. I know which Tristan Prettyman song is in response to which Jason Mraz song, I know how to change the headlight in my Jeep, I know basically every statistic there is on getting pregnant, I know how to spell Pterodactyl, I know proper clothing etiquette for the seasons (which I'm about to break bc I want to wear a post-Easter outfit pre-Easter darnit!) and I now know the possibilities of carrying a baby when you have Sjogren's syndrome and that the antibodies can penetrate the placenta and dry out your amniotic fluid and suffocate the baby or that the baby carried by a woman with Sjogren's can sometimes have congenital heart failure. The internet can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Damn you/Thank you google! I also know there is a program in Georgia for surrogacy.  Because I'm actually insane and research everything to the nth degree before ever making a decision.  It's part of my charm right?  RIGHT?  Oh, no?  Yeah, I'm just insane.

Meeting with Dr. P next week to see what he has to say.  I was already on the fence about all the drugs, mainly the steroids that I might have to continue throughout a pregnancy if my NKC's are still high, being ok for baby.  Now, if I have to take more drugs, I'm not ok with this.  It's as if the baby is going to be fighting just to steer clear of my crazy immune system from the get-go.  Josh is all, "I'm sure Dr. P will have something to do" and, as much as I am interested in hearing what he has to say, it's his JOB to "fix things."  He's a doctor.  I'm sure there's a "fix" for this problem too, but we need to really look at if these fixes are healthy for a teeny embryo to be undergoing.  Sure, there's a possibility that everything would be fine and I wouldn't have to take the extra drugs, but there's also the possibility that it wouldn't be fine and I would have to take lots of drugs.  Seems a little selfish to me to put a little baby through the ringer (and potentially harming them) just so I "can experience being pregnant."  Can we say surrogate?  Say it together now...Surr-o-gate

dry boogers in one of the most humid places around

Georgia is effing humid.  Always.  My hair falls roughly 45 seconds after I curl it, the fly-aways around my forehead are insane, and it's so damn hot in the summer you feel like you're asphyxiating.  I have to use a humidifier...in Georgia.  Because I wake up with dry boogs daily.  Yes, a humidifier...not a DEhumidifier.   thought I was just weird.  Turns out no.  Turns out there's a reason.  Hey, remember when I went to the Hematologist and Rheumatologist a couple weeks ago? Well, got a call back from my Rheum, and turns out I have Sjodgren's Syndrome.  WTH is that, right?  That's what I thought.  Here you go:

About Sjögren's Syndrome

Sjögren’s is a chronic autoimmune disease in which people’s white blood cells attack their moisture-producing glands. Today, as many as four million Americans are living with this disease. Although the hallmark symptoms are dry eyes and dry mouth, Sjögren’s may also cause dysfunction of other organs such as the kidneys, gastrointestinal system, blood vessels, lungs, liver, pancreas, and the central nervous system. Patients may also experience extreme fatigue and joint pain and have a higher risk of developing lymphoma. I also read it can cause dry sinuses.  Well, I'll be! So, let's summarize, shall we?  I have increased NKC's which means my immune system attacks my babies and I have Sjogren's Sydrome which has my immune system attacking my moisture-producing glands and eventually other organs.  Alrighty.  According to my Rheum, since my only symptom so far is dry eyes, that's a good thing and we caught it early so it's not a threat to me right now. Not that it's fatal, but if gone untreated can cause some major issues.  I have to go back in 6 months to re-check and it's something I"ll have to keep an eye on...forever... Now, obviously the issue in the forefront of my mind...getting pregnant.  What does this mean in terms of beginning IVF? Is this what has caused the m/c's? Is it a threat to future baby? Is it genetic?  I'm full of questions.  My Rheum is sending me the diagnosis and paperwork to take to Dr. P to discuss where to go from here.  Just heard from the Hematologist and good news is I don't have any clotting disorders, often affiliated with mutated MTHFR...so that's something!  If anyone wants to do any heavy reading check this out http://www.dry.org/fox20020816/guide.htm

I caved

I logged into the devil.  Honestly, I did it to see if anyone had emailed me, as a lot of people use facebook as email formats/invitations and clearly I can't miss those.  Welp, pretty much sealed the deal on not logging in anymore...2 pregnancy announcements in the first 4 posts.  Um...bite me.  I don't care about these people on a day to day basis, therefore I should not care if they're knocked up, therefore I should just not get on the devil bc all it does is frustrate me.  Aaaaaaand, done!

TGIFF

in case anyone was wondering

30 days from today we leave for Hawaii!!!!  Also, my pants are too big.  So those two things combined are making me VERY happy! I'll deal with a pants penis all day long, as that means they are gaping in the front.  Joy!  I called the resort yesterday to schedule our oceanside couples massage.  It's going to RULE.  Josh has never had a massage...I know, I know...but he said he wanted to get one in Hawaii so I figure we should make it memorable.  It was no more expensive to have it done oceanside than in the spa and I feel confused why anyone would choose to do it inside.  You're in freaking Hawaii people!  It doesn't get more gorgeous than that! And this way you listen to the waves crash instead of some Enya knockoff.

In other news, Bruno Mars has been singing me through this week and "unorthodox jukebox" might be one of my favorite albums...ever

And lastly, I'm mad at you, Atlanta weather!  You can't give me sandal weather and then take it back!  It's just mean

they all agree

So had my hematology appointment on Monday.  Pretty uneventful...which can't complain about that.  Talked in depth to the Dr. about what's going on with me and why I was referred and she actually looked me in the eye and listened to what I was saying.  You know, with doctors, it's pretty hit or miss.  Some of them you feel like just a number and they "listen" to you and send you on your way, and then there's the doctors that actually listen and want all your details.  Those are the kind I like :) I had mentioned that obviously, my PCP has my well-being as the main priority and my RE has future baby (well, and my) well-being as main priority, so since my blood work came back squirly, my PCP suggested I see someone who can take a look objectively and have both me and future baby in mind. As we were talking, she asked who my RE was and I told her, Dr. P.  She looked at me and said, "What does Dr. P say about all of this?  He is a VERY smart man and would give a lot of insight." Well...she's the THIRD doctor I've talked to that has basically said the exact same thing.  Everyone talks about how smart Dr. P is.  My, OB, my PCP, and now the hematologist.  Not going to lie, that makes me feel quite secure! He's clearly well known. I mean, I knew he was smart...as he is completely socially awkward...but having everyone you see say the same thing is reassuring :) So, she decided she wanted to run some blood tests.  Check me for lupus and other blood clotting disorders. She is apparently checking for a lot bc they took like 15 vials of blood. I go back in two weeks to discuss the results.  She said she's not worried, based on what I've told her, so that's refreshing! 

I see the rheumatologist tomorrow morning to talk about this lovely, autoimmue, baby eater, and make sure there's nothing else under there making this happen.  Hopefully everything comes back negative and we are ready to start IVF right after Hawaii!

Also, again, yoga freaking rules.  I'm seriously loving it.  I can't get enough. 

ah, yes, I almost forgot

In other news I have my hematology and rheumatology appointments next week.  Basically, I know two people also diagnosed with mutated mthfr (you know what that word looks like!), like I have, and both of them have blood clotting disorders.  They're different disorders, but they both have them and it's quite common.  And guess what people with blood clotting disorders (a specific one, I think...I'm not very smart on this yet...I'll revisit this after my appointment) often experience - miscarriage.  If there's one thing I know, it's how to miscarry!  Ok, that's creepy to say.  Whoops.  Anyway, my PCP was pretty adamant about me going to these specialists because of the mutated mthfr and I also have this unexplained skin junk.  It's like bumps on my body (hot) and it's very annoying.  Never itches, never does anything...it's just...there.  I have had dermatologist after dermatologist check it out and biopsy it and they say it's "just one of those things."  Yeah, I don't buy that.  Especially now that there's other crazy things happening in my body.  So, Hematologist to check for blood disorders and Rheumatologist to check out this autoimmune issue that keeps eating my babies.  Fun times all around!!

baselines and stimulation and egg retrieval oh my

I started my period.  As a matter of fact I started my period at the nail salon.  The nail salon that made me late for my dinner date with my friends because my nail tech was real busy showing everyone the pictures of her newborn, as it was her first day back from maternity leave. Oooooof course it was.  Oh yeah...you just had a baby?  Well, I just started bleeding on your chair.  I must admit...that little Asian baby (Andrew...really?) was pretty damn cute. 

As I started last night I called Dr. P's office today.  "I started my period!  What do I do now??" It's like being 14 all over again.  Yes, I was a late bloomer.  Imagine my excitement when I FINALLY got some boobs in high school.  Spoke with J, one of Dr. P's nurses and she said I really should wait until next month to start the bcp.  Fine by me.  The less crazy I have to be for the shortest amount of time works for me!  Then we were talking about the REAL schedule.  None of this, well if you do this, then we do this bull-honky...a real schedule.  When I start next month I call and I start the pill 2 days after that.  Then we go to Hawaii (woooo!!!!).  Then when we come back I start Lupron injections and I do my first intralipid infusion.  I stay on the Lupron until I start my period again and that's when I go in for my "baseline" (I had no idea what that meant...I thought I knew what I was getting into but I was just writing things down to google after our conversation and I found this link and it is awesome and explains just about everything http://infertility.about.com/od/infertilitytreatments/ss/ivf_treatment.htm ) then we will start stimulation drugs around the 6th of May and then egg retrieval somewhere around the 18-19 of May.  WHOA.  This is really going to happen!  So fingers crossed, I'm good and knocked up by the end of May!

Oh, what we didn't talk about on this phone call, but we did last month is the "uterine scraping"  Um...come again?  What in the actual hell is a uterine scraping?  Oh, they go in there and "rough up" the lining of your uterus because it aids in implantation.  Oh, sure sure...that only makes sense.  WHAT?! That sounds scary.  Who am I kidding, the entire process is scary, but I'm willing to do whatever they say.  He was very up front in the beginning - "There's a difference in doing research and practicing medicine and I'm not doing research on you, you've been through enough." Alrighty, Dr. P...you practice that medicine! Apparently they're doing anything and everything in round 1 to make sure it's successful.  Sweet!!  So for now I'm drugging myself every 4 hours just to be able to walk and have no "hard" drugs to take quite yet and I have therapy tonight...she better hold on...this bitch is kinda cray cray right now! :)

worst breakup ever

so I tried to break up with facebook.  Or, the devil, as I refer to it.  It's been a very liberating experience!  I deactivated my account and immediately felt more productive.  Who cares that I was just more intently watching The Walking Dead, I was really into it, not checking the devil every so often.  Jo deactivated her account too (because we are twins) and we had liberation Tuesday!  My main concern: what was I going to do on the toilet??  Don't worry, I figured it out...BuzzFeed. 

There I am, feeling so awesome about my new post facebook life, I get in my car after work and of course, I plug my phone in and turn on my spotify app.  BUT I CAN'T LOGIN WITHOUT FACEBOOK. Mother Crap.  When I signed up for Spotify I did it through facebook...it was clearly taking over my life.  So I did have to login to fb to use spotify, but that's totally worth it.  I can't live without my music.  I had deleted my fb app, so I didn't login and check out  who else has posted sonogram pics what my cousin's neighbor had for lunch so I'm still liberated, just also able to listen to Adam Levine at my leisure.  So, people can still see me, tag me, check me in (or out...bazinga!) but I'm not in the fb world.  I got so much done yesterday!  It's SHOCKING how much time I was spending on there...whoopsie :)

Of course I still have Instgram and Twitter...bc I'm not completely insane...

Hi Jo!

My Joanna has started following my blog :) I technically only have 5 followers HOWEVER I have 50-60 page views per day.  I see you!!  I'm not sure if it's random people every day, or if it's the same people, but hi everyone! Apparently my readers are in the US and the Netherlands.  Who'da thunk. It's kind of exciting that people read my things...sorry I'm not a better writer ;) I would venture a guess my posts come up when someone googles something about infertility.  I mean, it's public, and it has come up when I've googled something before (yes I peed a little...kind of felt famous) and there's LOTS of fertility things on here :) Newsflash, I'm infertile, and some of you probably are too.  You can follow my blog if you like, I won't bite :)  INFERTILES UNITE! In all honesty, there are quite a few IVF blogs that I read daily and don't follow.  Perhaps I should do what I ask and actually subscribe to their blogs.  Ok, I'll do that today!  Anyway, Hi to my Jo, I love you and welcome, and hi to everyone else.  And an even bigger HI to my lovelies that have subscribed since the beginning :)

Obviously I'm in a MUCH better mood than yesterday.  Still quite cranky, but the coffee worked this morning :)

All of our vaginas have synced up like wireless routers here at the office (thank you, Dane Cook, for that joke...wish I could claim it as my own but I can't) so the next week is going to be joyful! 

premenstrual pauline

This morning when I woke up, I knew I wasn't quite right.  I felt...off.  I often feel that way before I have my coffee.  Coffee changes everything.  Well, even after my coffee I was still iffy. J-Timberlake would be proud of me - bringing bitchy back. That's damn catchy, right there. It is, of course, because that bitch is on her way.  My PMS is in full swing. Poor Josh. Oddly enough, I very rarely get irritated with him when I PMS.  I used to, but I don't really anymore.  Everyone else in the world, yes, you best watch out.  I kind of hate you today.  What's even weirder is that I'm not even annoyed with my boss/dad today.  He generally gets the majority of the PMS flash.  Lucky man.  He had to deal with my teen years and now he gets to deal with Premenstrual Pauline.  

So, speaking of boss/dad, I needed to chat with him about the impending part-time schedule I'm going to.  Down from 5 days to 3.  It will be glorious.  I'll have time to have things shoved up my vag in hopes of making a baby!  Well, while I was in there, he was legitimately asking about the process.  Not like the normal, "Oh, ok, yeah that must suck." but actually wanting to know about it.  And I was telling him about what the next step is and the drugs and the injections and the infusions and the hormones (ok, that was mainly to warn him) and he really got it.  He was floored by what we're getting ready to go through and he said, "Ok, wow, that's a lot to handle.  I want you to be able to focus on that." Bonus points for me, the man wants some grandchildren.  I really am grateful that I have the opportunity to finagle my schedule around IVF.  Not many people get that opportunity and I can imagine it's going to make my stress level MUCH less.  So, in the midst of our conversation he did throw in there (because he's a man, and I can't fault him for not knowing how emotional this roller coaster is) "Well, you know Julie is expecting again, right?"  Um, no.  No, I did not know that.  Julie is my cousin's wife.  She is a gem and so is he.  They have one son and he is precious.  I know they got pregnant fast the first time and apparently no hard time the second.  Must be nice.  Honestly, that must be an enjoyable experience.  I actually said out loud, "It must be really nice to be able to have kids when you want them." And then...the flood gates opened.  Dammit.  Out of left field, these tears came. I was expecting to just be a jerk all day, not be a hysterical mess.  And they wouldn't stop.  The kind of crying where you can't catch your breath and you snort so hard you choke on your own spit. That kind. Jack hands me some tissues, he doesn't say anything, I'm just sitting there with my head in my hands sobbing.  I think he understands the hurt now.  He said, "This is a lot to deal with." I said, yeah no wonder I'm seeing a shrink.  Of course...I use humor as a defense mechanism...speaking of shrinks, she pointed that out not too long ago. 

So far, the best thing about today is that Mr. Big played on the radio at work earlier and REM is playing now.

Probably gonna go cry some more into my sugar free jello cup.

I swear I'm not a sad person.  Or am I?   I do feel sad a lot lately.  Not enough to hinder my everyday life or make it so I can't get out of bed, but I just feel sad.  I feel like we have a lot to look forward to too.  I'm really excited about Hawaii and we are going to have a great time, and I'm excited about my new love for yoga, but underneath it all is sad.  I wonder if that goes away with a positive pregnancy test? 

one other thing for today

In my IVF blog stalking I came across a page showing what can improve implantation and the chances of getting pregnant...and one of those things was laughing a lot on the day of transfer (when they shoot those embryos up your vag) and they often use Medical Clowns.  Let me tell you something...if a damn clown came into my room after transfer I would probably scare the bejesus right out of my baby embroys and they would fall on the floor.  Do not send me medical clowns.  I hate clowns.  I hate them.  That is all :)

while we wait

I still google IVF blogs like it's my job :) I probably shouldn't do that because most of them are of people's failed IVF attempts.  I'm considering it "prep work."  Not that I think our IVF cycles will fail...I'm of the younger age group to have to be going through IVF in the first place, and I'm a healthy person.  Odds are in my favor (if you don't count that pesky autoimmune issue that keeps eating my babies).  So I came across this blog.  It's hysterical.  A woman that tried for 3 years to get pregnant naturally.  Nada.  They had 3 failed IUI attempts.  Nada.  (In case you were wondering, that's why we chose to not do IUI...the odds of it working are not great so screw that right in its lame ass).  2 failed IVF attempts, and then a successful 3rd IVF attempt.  This bitch is funny.  And I like that.  I've done a lot of reading of people's "how to be considerate of an infertile's feelings" and I find a lot of them to be pretty annoying.  Like, yes, the situation MORE than blows, but it doesn't HAVE to be a serious issue about everything.  Remind me I said that in about 2 months when I'm hopped up on more drugs than Steven Tyler.  Anyhoo, she has a whole section on fertility etiquette and it's awesome.  I'm going to interject my own thoughts on hers also :)

Infertility Etiquette (to send to others)

I’ve seen quite a few articles on what to say or not say to someone who is dealing with infertility. After reading many of them, I’m stunned at some of the things that were left off of the list and frankly, I disagreed with some that were on the list.

On the surface, because I’m me and can’t help but make jokes about it, my list would consist of things like:

• All movies and TV shows must have a PG label: Warning storyline contains numerous pregnancy related topics.

• Strollers should have bell so we know when they are coming and can turn the corner.

• People addicted to crack should not be allowed to have their seventh child (I can't agree with this one more.  There is NOTHING more irritating than the crack whore knocked up again and don't even get me STARTED on 16 and pregnant...wrap it up, skank)

• The word Duggar shall never be uttered in our presence. (AGREE)

• Never make a pity face when you talk to me.

• Save the sonogram photos — don't post them in public (this one I don't agree with.  I recognize that someone having a baby is a very exciting time for them and they are allowed to be as happy and excited as they want)

• Understand if you're pregnant and I don't talk to you for awhile, it's nothing personal, I just hate your uterus.

However, that list is more for my fellow infertile women who can relate to my situation. In terms of what one can send to the outside world, I’ve composed my own version of what the etiquette should be when a fertile person is dealing with an infertile person. Please feel free to cut and paste it, edit it to fit your needs and send it to whomever you like. :)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
First and foremost, I know that whenever any of my friends or family tries to offer their words of wisdom of my struggles with fertility, they have my best interest at heart. I also know that everyone, no matter who they are, is trying to be helpful. (yes I, too, recognize this :))

Dealing with infertility is a very sensitive issue. Your emotions can range from feeling like a failure, to worrying about the future, to being optimistic, to feeling hopeless. Also, quite often when you are friends with someone who is fertility challenged, on any given day, they could be worried about money and insurance bills, or they could even be in the process of a fertility treatment where emotions and hormones are running high. You just never know.

Therefore, since many of you might not be aware of what can be unintentionally hurtful when dealing with infertility, I have put together the below list to help out:

• Please no anecdotes and no advice. Trust me. If you’re struggling with infertility, you’ve heard every anecdote you can hear; we know what so-and-so did with cough syrup or how what’s-her-face adopted and then got pregnant. We need to focus on ourselves and our own situation and ultimately, we have doctors to best advise us on our specific situation. (preach, sister)

• Please don’t suggest using donor sperm or donor eggs. (or in my case suggesting a surrogate...yeah I had that happen like 2 weeks ago..."wouldn't it be safer to have so and so carry for you" - um probably, but I'd like to try first, thanks) I’ve heard more stories than I can count of my fellow infertile women being asked if they want to use their brother-in-law’s sperm or their sister’s eggs. What’s amazing to me is people make these suggestions even before the couple in question has exhausted all their options. Until it’s determined that that is even a factor, the only person who should be offering a woman sperm is her husband.

• Please don’t suggest adoption or even giving up. Again, I’ve been shocked how many times people have asked me about adopting even before we did our first infertility treatment. Adoption is an option, but it’s one that is something for most couples down the road. The same goes for suggesting that they let go of trying to have kids. That’s a big decision, and many seem to suggest it way too early. In the end, both adoption and deciding not to have children is between the couple having fertility issues and their doctor. End of story.

• Please don’t suggest a reason why this is happening. (PLEASE DON'T) Whether you think it’s God’s will or fate or that there’s some reason the universe has decided an infertile couple should have these issues, kindly keep it to yourself. Trying to apply logic to an inexplicable or illogical situation is simply not helpful. I personally have been dealing with this long enough to know that some couples get lucky, and some don’t. Even the most religious infertile couples will tell you that sometimes things happen when you’re going through this journey that don’t make sense. You just have to do your best and accept the outcome. Plus, when someone struggles with infertility, they often blame themselves. (I bolded and underlined that) You trying to provide a reason as to why it might or might not be their fault, only makes it worse.

• If you have children or are pregnant, please don’t talk about the downside. (unless you want to get punched in the face.  Telling me how "stressful and crazy parenthood is and to be glad I don't have to deal with it yet makes me hate you...fair warning) I know you’re trying to be comforting, but this can be the equivalent of telling a blind person they are lucky because you have to spend so much money on your eyeglasses.

• Please DON’T acknowledge Mother’s Day/Father’s Day. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can be very difficult for those who desperately want to be a parent but aren’t yet. Some recommend that you send someone struggling with infertility a card or somehow include them on the day’s events.(no...don't do that...) I personally disagree. Although the gesture is sincerely appreciated, to me, it just highlights the situation. I would much rather focus on MY mom and how much I love her more than I would care to focus on how I'm still NOT a mom. I would just be respectful that it’s a tough holiday. (I disagree with this one in a few ways.  If she's saying to not acknowledge mother's day to me as in telling me Happy Mother's Day because I've been pregnant before...yeah that's not cool (and I've had that happen) but Mother's day is awesome.  I love celebrating my mom and have no problem celebrating other mom's out there.  That is their day and they should be celebrated - but truth is, it does hurt)

• Please don’t mention celebrities who went through infertility. They have money and advantages that most don’t. They can adopt, do as many IVF cycles as they want, hire a surrogate or even rent a child if they so choose! The point is, whether they struggled with infertility or not, their situation is different from many women. Fertility treatments are very expensive, so telling someone all about how a celebrity got pregnant on her 20th IVF when most can barely afford the fertility medication isn’t wise. (I can leave or take this one...doesn't really bother me...not like the crack whore with her 8th kid)

• If you find out you're pregnant or you find out a mutual friend or relative is, please put it in an email and be sensitive about it. To be clear, it’s not that people who have fertility issues are incapable of being happy for those who are fertile. It’s more that they themselves feel like a failure. It’s one of those cases when you’re “happy for them but sad for me." An email will give the person dealing with infertility a moment to deal with their feelings privately. (and will also allow me to genuinely be happy for you and express that to you...when I get there ;))

• Even if someone who is struggling with infertility confides in you about their issue, please don’t ask them about it constantly. Some days, it’s harder to talk about infertility than others so it’s best to let the person pick their moments to discuss how they are feeling. (this one I completely disagree with.  but I think that's just my personality.  There are select people that know everything we've been through and I generally have no problem talking about it.  I know people are curious, and talking about it helps me)

• Understand that there are some events that are difficult - baby showers being at the top of the list. Again, it’s nothing personal toward you. You never know where an infertile woman is either emotionally, psychologically or physically. Imagine finding out your IVF failed, and then the very next day going to a baby shower where they talk about pregnancy the whole time. Sometimes, the timing is off and the person just needs to protect their own feelings. (I agree that it's tough, but a person's baby shower is THEIR time.  Like, don't come up to me and ask "how I'm handling it" because I'll kill you, and if the timing is bad, yes it would be hard, but that doesn't change that it's a celebration for the mom-to-be.  My feelings can be bottled up until I get home and have a nervous breakdown...wait, what?  And truth be told, if it's a close friend of mine, I have no problem being just as happy for them as they would be for me...it's probably the other people on Devil'sBook that I secretly hate)

Here are a few key phrases that are good to say:

• I’m sorry you’re going through this.

• I can’t imagine how you must feel.

• Hang in there.

• I’m here for you.

• I’m thinking of you.

• Please let me know if you want to talk.

In general, the key is to be supportive. That’s one thing people struggling with infertility do for each other. If you post on a fertility-related chat board that you’re down, you get an endless amount of support. If you post that you’re about to start hormone shots, everyone will wish you luck. No one makes judgments or tries to make it all better: We just support and encourage each other, and that really is the most helpful thing a person can do.

 

I just thought this was interesting and would share.  People are probably sick of me talking about infertility etiquette, but oh well! 

in the meantime

baby making on hold...hawaii on the brain!  Which, btw, my therapist is like so happy that we are having this vacation before starting IVF.  Us too.  And she was like, you flippin deserve a good vacation.  It made me super uncomfortable when she said "deserve" becauseI totally have issues with deserving things ;) need. more. therapy.! haha!  Anyhoo, we started the South Beach Diet and holy moly!  The first 5 days were pretty rough.  I thought I was going to kill someone or myself because I just wanted a damn carb!  Now, though, I feel so amazing.  I realize that I've really broken my addiction to food.  Not just carbs, but to food.  Food is not happiness.  Food is not love.  Food is not comfort.  Food is nourishment.  End of story.  This is how food used to appear to me...you know, when I was 15 lbs lighter and never touched a carb.  Oopsie!  Well we started the SBD and I feel AMAZING now.  It's funny bc I went from vegan to meat and veggies.  Perhaps I lose weight fast bc I completely change what I eat and my body freaks out.  I'm not sure, and I'm not sure I care! As of this morning I'm down 10 lbs!  WHAT WHAT!!!  Hawaii bod here I come!!!! Plus, eating lean protein, veggies, nuts and eggs can't be bad for you right?!  We can start introducing some fruits back next week.  So that's fun and exciting :)

Also.........this past weekend our fridge died.  Sad day.  Josh tried lots of things to fix it and nada.  I'm surprised we didn't get dysentery because we didn't realize things weren't as cold as they should be until a few days after.  But that being said, apparently President's Day is the day you want to have to buy new appliances because everything is on sale.  Hell yes.  We decided to go ahead and get the fridge we have wanted for a while...it's a 4-door french door fridge and it is GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!  They delivered it yesterday and I have inappropriately sexual feelings toward my refrigerator.  It is massive and gorgeous.  That's what she said. 

 

Yes, that's a panoramic shot of my fridge because it's so large!

 

That is my veggie drawer!!

 

 

And that's my freezer!! (with an entire drawer dedicated to frozen fish food.  they're taking over my life)

 

I had no idea new appliances could make me so happy!

 

 

 

hot yoga - not for p%&*ies

I don't think there's any experience in life that could have prepared me for the 90 min hot yoga class I took last night.  So you hear that it's hot in there.  And you just don't know HOW HOT until you're in there.  2 summers of drum corps...in Texas...in the middle of July...rehearsing for 12 hours...on the blacktop...and I still don't think I sweat as much as I did last night.  It was shocking.  And disgusting.  I was sweating from places that I didn't even know you could sweat from.  I'm confident my sinuses were sweating.  Just saying.  They say to wear little bike shorts and a sports bra.  I'm thinking to myself, yeah right!  Who does that??  And then there's that awkward moment when everyone is wearing small shorts and a sports bra and you're in small shorts and a workout top and you feel like you're wearing a sauna suit.  I mean, holy balls I've never sweat that much in my life.  I've got sweat pouring into my eyes, and at one point when we were getting ready to go into cobra I wiped my face on my towel and realized that I had smeared my mascara all over my face (so that's why they tell you to wash your face beforehand) and I looked like a raccoon.  Couldn't care...it at least wiped some of the sweat from my brow.  I mean, man oh man was it hot in there. 

So, some of the things they don't tell you before you "try out" hot yoga...you will get other people's sweat on you.  um...ga-ross.  It was like 5 minutes into class and the guy next to me was sweating so much that some flew off of his elbow onto my arm.  Are you freaking kidding me??  Ew.  Also, along with someone else's sweat you will get hair stuck to your arm...or leg...or chest...or forehead...or heel...or knee...or anywhere because you are sweating the same amount ALL over your body.  Next thing they don't tell you...while you're trying to master bow pose, that your hands could possible slip off your ankles and you will flail like a dead fish to the ground.  Oopsie.  The other thing (which I probably could have mentioned first) is how god-awful the room smells.  I mean, of course it does.  30 people sweating their balls off in a room at 105 degrees...bound to smell...and it did. 

Hot yoga is not for the weak.  Or the germaphobic. 

With that being said, I can't freaking wait to go back!  The euphoria that you feel after you're done is unreal.  It's like you're high.  And you're happy.  And you just burned 600 calories.  And that is awesome.  The things I will do differently next time...I will wear less clothing.  Sports bra and bike shorts for this chick.  I will wash my face beforehand to avoid the raccoon look again.  I will mentally prepare myself a bit better.  I really don't think you can mentally prepare for your first class.  But now that I know what to expect I can.  I will focus more on the poses rather than when class will be done or how hot I am.  Hot yoga has got to be like 80% mental.  I will focus more on not moving in between poses.  And I will rock out Triangle pose and camel like I did last night!!!  I was pretty freaking proud of myself about those two!!  I've been saying all day that I wish we were going back tonight!

Things are looking up!

I think it's being determined that 2013 actually IS the year of the Cohens!  So far so good!  First things first, today is our 4 year anniversary.  It was this time 4 years ago that my bridesmaids and I were at the Crowne Plaza getting dolled up, my flowers came and were not cute and my mother in law made Josh go yell at the florist (ha!), we had sushi delivered (by the request of Sus and Nicole to Josh) and I was wearing a tank top in February!  The weather was amazing.  Pretty sure it was almost 70 degrees that day.  The day was perfect.  I was unusually calm.  I think people thought I was going to dart because I was oddly calm.  Nope! Walked down the aisle crying the entire way (those pics are really great...).  Rick sang beautifully...everyone cried again.  The ceremony was candle-lit and gorgeous and then we had one hell of a party! Good times!!!  Unfortunately Josh is never home on our anniversary.  I don't even know how we ended up getting married on this day because every job he's ever had has their annual sales meeting over this week!  How we didn't put that together I"ll never know, but that was the one year his sales meeting had been moved to the week after so we thought it was a great idea.  haha!  Silly kids :) Here are basically the only two wedding pictures I like...the photography was something that I wish we had done differently, but at least we have pics!

 

 

I love him :) My friend, Danielle, suggested I should alter my wedding dress into a little white dress and wear on a fancy date or something.  I LOVE that idea!  I would love even more if I could alter it and wear it for a vow renewal!  We might do that for our 5 year anniversary, actually.  Take an awesome vacation and renew.

 

Speaking of awesome vacations....maybe we won't do that next year because THIS year (in 2 months actually) we are going to HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Josh is basically awesome at everything he does...including his job.  Again, they are at their national sales meeting, and they had their awards ceremony on Tuesday night and first he texted me that he won Rookie of the Year!  How awesome is THAT?!  That means he outperformed everyone that has been in the company for 3 or less years.  SO proud of him!!  I knew he was really excited about it too!  That's a huge honor!  We knew the recipients of the Hawaii trip were being announced that night too so he was texting me "it's getting ready to happen!"  "are you awake awaiting the news??" and then there was at least a 10 minute delay!  I was DYING!  Katie (one of Josh's co-worker's wives who I'm basically obsessed with) and I were texting "have you heard yet?!?!" "I need to know if I need to get my tanning membership!!" and then I got the text "Maui baby Maui!  I did it!  I take you to Hawaii!!"  I about passed out!  It was so awesome!  He was so proud of himself and was so excited to be able to take me to Hawaii.  He's a keeper, I tell ya! So Katie's husband also was in the circle of excellence (the top 10% of their company - that's who gets the big trips) so they're going and so is the rest of Josh's team!  We are super excited to vacation with Katie and Braden because they are just like us.  Josh and Braden are so close to the same person it's shocking and Katie and I both really like to lay by the pool!  This is going to rock!  I'm very much looking forward to Josh getting home (mainly because I miss him) so we can discuss all the details of the trip and I can start planning my wardrobe!  DUH!

 

 

 



therapylover

So Josh and I go tomorrow for our couple's session with my the-rapist, Dr. A.  I'm super stoked about it!  I sent her over the consulation form that Dr. P's office gave us this morning so we can all be prepared for tomorrow.  I'm really excited for Josh to meet Dr. A.  I seriously love her.  Therapy is way different than I thought it would be.  Keeping in mind that I've done work my whole life on "self discovery and improvement" so I kind of thought that's how therapy was going to be.  Not so much.  I actually get to just have word vomit and talk about my feelings.  Weird :) Dr. A has really helped me so far and has really gotten me thinking about a lot of things and had me distinguish a lot of things too.  She rocks.  I can't wait to see what else is in store.  And I told her about how Dr. P won't let us start the IVF treatments until we see a counselor and I told him I already see someone and they'll let me use her.  She said she would absolutely do whatever we needed her to.  So, tomorrow should be fun! Hope we pass the pre IVF test ;)

I'm an A+

Not only is my blood type A+ but as is my uterine lining!  And my uterus is "beautiful" :)  2 things I never thought I'd care about but yay go me!!  I had my saline sonogram and my trial transfer this morning and all went smoothly.  No fibroids or polyps that would hinder implantation and everything looks great.  Also, this was my first procedure with Dr. P and I will say I thoroughly enjoyed his bedside manner.  I know I had said before that I didn't care much for him, but as I'm getting to know him more I actually really appreciate how he handles his business.  Turns out he's just a gigantic science nerd and loves what he does.  He also takes it very seriously, and I can tell now that he's getting to know my personality he knows that I'm not some dry, depressed, infertile woman and that h can actually have a persoality around me.  I can imagine a lot of women are not like that.  It's meshing quite well. :)

So, hopefully we are going to Hawaii, because we can't start IVF until at least March anyway.  Intrallipids are on back order.  Joy.  Actually, I am ok with this because I am terrified of what's to come and I feel like we can take it slower and I would feel more comfortable.  For instance, I'm starting the pill at my next period.  Thats right...the birth control pill.  It's been SO long (at least 5 years) since I've been on the pill that I for real don't remember how to use it.  So I'm like a 15 year old girl like "um, so when do I start and what happens if I forget a pill...heh" They were really awesome though.  I am a-ok with starting the pill and letting my body get at least a little used to that before the next drug.  Plus, if I'm on the pill I can fenagle the days to make sure that I'm not on my period if we are in Hawaii! 

I also asked if Josh was allowed to ride his bike.  He hasn't been on his bike in months because, well, I'm pretty sure he's terrified of my wrath that that could potentially harm his soldiers.  (I'm a peach, I swear) The nurse practitioner said that he can ride 3-4 times a week but needs to remove his compression shorts immediately and take a cool shower after.  Haha.  I'm not sure why that makes m giggle...I'm such an adult. 

so much to type

I've been avoiding writing this post because it's just a lot to type.  But I'll want to remember this one day :) So here it goes.  We had our appointment with Dr. P after ALL results were in.  It was quite informative.  My NKC's were elevated and put on the placental sample, the intrallipids did not stop them from attacking.  The IVIG did (that's the insanely expensive infusion) but not the intrallipids (the cheaper of the infusions).  So, they want to do steroid therapy along with the intrallipid infusions.  He said that they have yet to have a patient with my same NKC numbers that the steroid plus intrallipid hasn't worked on.  So, that's something.  That's step one.  Step two is GETTING me pregnant.  Doing IUI we have a 20% chance of getting pregnant and a 15-20% chance of miscarriage.  Those are the actual percentages for a reproductively healthy person.  So essentially, doing the steroids plus intrallipids puts me "normal". The IUI entails, steroids, intrallipids, Letrizole (to stimulate ovulation), FSH (follicle stimulating hormone which stimulate the follicles in my ovaries), trigger shot (shot of hcg to make my ovaries release the eggs) and inserting Josh's boys via catheter at the time of ovulation.  Onto IVF with embryo genetic testing.  65% chance of getting pregnant and 5% chance of miscarriage.  Those are some odds I like.  The reason for the chance of miscarriage being so low is because of the genetic testing on the embryo's.  The major reason for m/c in the first place is because a genetic issue with the embryo, so testing them (while it's not 100%...nothing is) cuts that risk way down.  IVF entails the birth control pill (holy crap I haven't been on the pill in like 7 years), steroids (get ready for roid rage), intrallipids (which is essentially fat being pumped into my veins), lupron (which blocks any testosterone in my system...my dad is on the same thing for his prostate cancer...maybe they'll do a bogo??) Letrizole (hope it doesn't make me as crazy as clomid did), FSH (sure to make me nuts), indictable hormones (more crazy), trigger shot (people take hcg shots to make them skinny..), narcotics for pain (probably vomit from those :), surgery (under heavy anesthesia - will definitely vomit...warned Dr. P about that one!) for egg retrieval, putting our bits in a dish (please find each other and mate), having them meet together, making embryos, testing them for genetic issues, and then inserting the good embryo's via catheter around 5-6 days after retrieval (are you in there little fetus.  in 9 months will you come greet us.  I will buy you some Adidas). Actually, it's possible that a live transfer won't happen.  If I have too much estrogen in my system when it's time for embryo transfer they will freeze those little buggers and wait until the following month.  Glad to know that's a possibility up front.  It's scaring the bejesus out of me honestly. As much as I try to make light of it, this is no joke.  Surgery.  Scary.  I'll need my besticle, Jo, to talk me through it.  She's a pro :) So...from the date I start my period to the date of egg retrieval is about 6 weeks.  That's a long ass time.  And a lot of drugs.  And I'm scared I'll be insane.  And I probably will be. 


Anyway, after much consideration we have opted for IVF.  Basically because IUI can add up and may not work and that's 4 grand down the toilet to just start over.  And most importantly because the risk of miscarriage is so much less.  100% honesty right here...I'm not sure I would emotionally recover from another miscarriage that was decently far along.  My husband and therapist agree :) Obviously it's hard any time anyone goes through losing a baby, but I still need to work on why I'm having such a hard time moving on.  If you ask me it's because of how the miscarriage happened.  That would scar anyone!  (I'll bring this up in my next session :)) So, doing IVF...we will know that we have tried everything we could. 

Now, timing.  We might be going to Hawaii!!  Score!!  Josh may have won a trip to Maui through his company and we will find out like 3 days before I should start next month.  Which actually works out perfectly.  If we are going then we will wait to start the drugs and the process until we get back (can we say wastey face in Hawaii?!?!)  It would be so awesome if we can go.  One of Josh's co-workers and his wife and Josh and I are basically the same humans and we love hanging out together and I'm pretty sure they're going so we are crossing our fingers that Josh's Q2 didn't screw him last year and his numbers were up enough!!  ha!  It's left up to us on when to start.  What a refreshing change of pace :)

Now, diet.  Dr. P wasn't so knocked in the head about my vegan lifestyle so Jill is back to lean protein and veggies.  Which is fine.  I'm still staying away from dairy because I just hate how I feel when I eat it.  Josh is ridiculously excited about eating meat.  Poor guy had been deprived for so long :) He checked me for celiac disease and that came back negative so that's cool.  I'm still staying away from carbs because all these drugs are going to make me insanely fat.  While I'm not concerned about gaining weight while pregnant I am concerned about gaining weight having it be another reason for infertility.  Speaking of maintaining weight...my home gym is pretty rad!  With my dumbbells, kettle bells and Resistance bands!  I can play my music as loud as I want and I just got a notification (via splice, the greatest app ever invented) that my new cycling trainer has been delivered to my house!!!!  I can pop my bike on there and ride til the cows come home (or until I whack one of my nosey dogs in the head with my pedal while biking in the living room and watching Friends) and I'm SO excited!  I'm also starting to take a yoga class once a week.  The nurse practitioner at Dr. P's office suggested I start doing that for my sanity while going through the IVF Process.  Alright, girl, I shall do that! Stoked about that too! She also said that I can't take on any extra projects at work or home during the IVF process too.  Funny, what I heard is that Josh needs to do the laundry...no?

And lastly, I have to go BACK to Dr. P's office on Tuesday (he has been very clear that they have to own my schedule during this process because it's a LOT of monitoring and doing things when things are thick or not too thick, etc ;)) to have another saline sonogram to make sure I don't have any polyps or fibroids that would hinder implantation.  Yes, I've had this done once, but it was at a certain time during my cycle and he wants another one at another time during my cycle.  Alrighty, sounds good.  At that time they will also do a "trial transfer" which, if I understand correctly, will measure my lady bits so they can assure a smooth real transfer.  I appreciate the attention to detail...you know, like they don't do this day in and day out ;)

Well, that's all I've got for now.  Oh, except for the fact that we are trying to move.  We be cray!

I love getting less money for the same amount of work!

Imagine my excitement when I opened my pay check and it's less than before!!  I can't WAIT to pay for someone's free abortion!!!

as the uterus turns

Got a call from Dr. P's office on Friday about 12:45 and it was Erica.  Erica is not a nurse.  Erica is not a doctor.  Erica is the chick that schedules Dr. P's appointments.  Crap.  She said Dr. P looked over our results and we need to come in to discuss them with him. I asked her if she could give me ANY indication as to what the results were as Josh is going out of town all freaking week this coming week which means we won't be able to get in there until the following week and I'm about to rip out my eyeballs lying in limbo.  Blah.  Her response was, "These Natural Killer Cells are super complicated so he wants to speak with you guys."  I said, "So, this is an indication that my blood work came back that my NKC's attacked the placental sample?" Erica, "I'm not really sure.  All I can see are the notes he wrote on your chart." Me, "And they are?" Erica, "He wants you two to come back in to discuss intralipid infusions and possible steroid therapy before your cycle."  All I can assume is that, yes, my NKC's (the cytokines...crazy white blood cells that are attacking baby cohens) did not do so well in their testing and we have to do the infusions.  Still don't know about whether or not Josh is mutated the same as I am, but I guess we'll find out on the 14th.  A whole damn week away. 

Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist (which Josh and I refer to only as my 'The-Rapist'...I'll take the-rapist for 400 Alex...get it...) Friday evening so I was able to tell her all about this.  My session was quite interesting for me.  We were talking about all the infertility stuff and adoption and things.  Because that's what you do in therapy?  You talk about what's going on in your life?  Weird.  Anyway, and she asked me if I saw adoption as the "easy way out?"  I didn't understand what she meant at first.  She didn't mean that adopting is easy...because it is NOT.  There's a lot that can go wrong during the adoption process.  A lot.  People change their minds, you may not get approved, you may wait years and years, etc.  But what she meant was do I see adoption as an emotional way out.  I had to simmer on that for a few days.  I couldn't answer that right away.  But this morning I realized it.  I really realized that I DO want to have a baby of my own.  I want to experience pregnancy. I want to have a huge belly.  I want to have the experience of going to the hospital and delivering a baby and seeing and holding my baby for the first time.  Yes, I really do want those things.  I've been really busy pretending that I didn't in case it wasn't in the cards for us and I wouldn't be devastated.  I have a tendency to do that.  To protect my feelings at all cost.  I'm not sure what that's about but I'll need to do a little more searching :) So, yes...I want it and I'm terrified that I'll never get it.  And truth be told, it's a possibility that we won't get it.  And we can deal with that at that time.  And if surrogacy or adoption is our only option, then obviously we will do that but I think it's pretty ok for me to want to be pregnant even if it means it hurts worse in the end.  There's that song by Eli Young Band and one of the lyrics is "keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart." I always wondered why I couldn't listen to that song without getting choked up...huh...now I know. 

The other thing my the-rapist wanted me to take a look at was when is enough enough?  I have been very up front with Josh that if I miscarry again like I did the 2nd time (the time I was 11 weeks) I honestly fear I won't emotionally recover from that.  It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.  I think it was because of HOW it happened.  Not necessarily THAT it happened, but how it did.  It was extremely traumatic...extremely...and I'm afraid of it again.  So Josh asked me if I was afraid to try to get pregnant again.  No.  I'm not that afraid.  I feel like we are going through all of this to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.  But if it happens again...I'm probably done.  I just wouldn't be able to handle it.  Hell, I'm not even recovered from the last one.

In lighter news, I went running.  And it was awesome.  And I'm going to keep running for a bit.  We can't try to get pregnant right now and working out is my sanity...so I'm gonna do it.  :)

thumbs down

In case anyone was wondering...haven't heard anything yet...annoyed...

a very happy 2013 to all!

Last year I claimed 2012 as the year of Jill...didn't so much happen.  2 miscarriages, my Tucker boy almost dying and a dad diagnosed with stage 4 cancer don't really make for a great year, but that damn year is over now.  I also recognize that 2012 was great for a lot of things.  I completely changed my diet and I feel so much better now it's unbelievable.  I've become a pescatarian/vegan hybrid :) No meat or dairy but I do eat eggs and seafood.  I've acquired a home gym so I can work out whenever I want to stay healthy.  Josh and I are in a better place than we ever have been and I really have awesome relationships with my friends.  I went skiing for the first time in my life in 2012 which was awesome!  Shout out to NPF! My brother came back from Seattle for 6 months (then moved to Jacksonville to go back to school - good job Bud!)  Got a new pup - can you even handle these two? -

and all sorts of other fun things.  Josh and I have gotten to a place where I don't have to work full time when we do ever have a mini Cohen and I've started seeing a therapist that I can just have word vomit on and feel like a more complete person!  I guess I could say that 2012 certainly prepped me for anything good to happen in 2013 :)

And speaking of prepping for 2013...spoke to my RE nurse yesterday and our test results are in.  Dr P had been out of the office for Christmas and New Years (psha, like he deserves a vacation??  Doesn't he know I'm waiting for lab results?! ;)) and is back this morning so he was going to look over them and they were going to call me today with the results.  I figure it's that my uterus has grown teeth and is chomping the babies while my immune system attacks it from every other angle and spits it out :)  Good God I'm disturbed!

Anyway, Happy New Year to all!