Got a call from Dr. P's office on Friday about 12:45 and it was Erica. Erica is not a nurse. Erica is not a doctor. Erica is the chick that schedules Dr. P's appointments. Crap. She said Dr. P looked over our results and we need to come in to discuss them with him. I asked her if she could give me ANY indication as to what the results were as Josh is going out of town all freaking week this coming week which means we won't be able to get in there until the following week and I'm about to rip out my eyeballs lying in limbo. Blah. Her response was, "These Natural Killer Cells are super complicated so he wants to speak with you guys." I said, "So, this is an indication that my blood work came back that my NKC's attacked the placental sample?" Erica, "I'm not really sure. All I can see are the notes he wrote on your chart." Me, "And they are?" Erica, "He wants you two to come back in to discuss intralipid infusions and possible steroid therapy before your cycle." All I can assume is that, yes, my NKC's (the cytokines...crazy white blood cells that are attacking baby cohens) did not do so well in their testing and we have to do the infusions. Still don't know about whether or not Josh is mutated the same as I am, but I guess we'll find out on the 14th. A whole damn week away.
Luckily I had an appointment with my therapist (which Josh and I refer to only as my 'The-Rapist'...I'll take the-rapist for 400 Alex...get it...) Friday evening so I was able to tell her all about this. My session was quite interesting for me. We were talking about all the infertility stuff and adoption and things. Because that's what you do in therapy? You talk about what's going on in your life? Weird. Anyway, and she asked me if I saw adoption as the "easy way out?" I didn't understand what she meant at first. She didn't mean that adopting is easy...because it is NOT. There's a lot that can go wrong during the adoption process. A lot. People change their minds, you may not get approved, you may wait years and years, etc. But what she meant was do I see adoption as an emotional way out. I had to simmer on that for a few days. I couldn't answer that right away. But this morning I realized it. I really realized that I DO want to have a baby of my own. I want to experience pregnancy. I want to have a huge belly. I want to have the experience of going to the hospital and delivering a baby and seeing and holding my baby for the first time. Yes, I really do want those things. I've been really busy pretending that I didn't in case it wasn't in the cards for us and I wouldn't be devastated. I have a tendency to do that. To protect my feelings at all cost. I'm not sure what that's about but I'll need to do a little more searching :) So, yes...I want it and I'm terrified that I'll never get it. And truth be told, it's a possibility that we won't get it. And we can deal with that at that time. And if surrogacy or adoption is our only option, then obviously we will do that but I think it's pretty ok for me to want to be pregnant even if it means it hurts worse in the end. There's that song by Eli Young Band and one of the lyrics is "keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart." I always wondered why I couldn't listen to that song without getting choked up...huh...now I know.
The other thing my the-rapist wanted me to take a look at was when is enough enough? I have been very up front with Josh that if I miscarry again like I did the 2nd time (the time I was 11 weeks) I honestly fear I won't emotionally recover from that. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. I think it was because of HOW it happened. Not necessarily THAT it happened, but how it did. It was extremely traumatic...extremely...and I'm afraid of it again. So Josh asked me if I was afraid to try to get pregnant again. No. I'm not that afraid. I feel like we are going through all of this to have a healthy pregnancy and baby. But if it happens again...I'm probably done. I just wouldn't be able to handle it. Hell, I'm not even recovered from the last one.
In lighter news, I went running. And it was awesome. And I'm going to keep running for a bit. We can't try to get pregnant right now and working out is my sanity...so I'm gonna do it. :)
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