So...it's been a year since I've blogged. Oopsie. Well, there's decent reason for this I suppose. In general, I don't like it to be public knowledge the struggles I've gone through, but I'm hoping writing it down will keep me strong and also one day I'll be able to look back at this and think "man, that time sucked but look what we have now." btw...this post talks about girly parts and things :)
Last may Josh and I decided we wanted to start trying to have a family...again. It was roughly a year and some change before that that we had originally started trying. After 6 months with no success I got positive pregnancy tests! YAY! A line is a line right?! Not so much. I had been pregnant for 6 days before it was over. A blink of an eye. I was told it was a "chemical pregnancy" which means a lot of things went right before they went wrong. Sperm met egg, did a little dance down the fallopian tube, made it's way into the uterus but never attached. So the pregnancy hormone was there, hence why I was getting positive pregnancy tests, but I was never actually pregnant. My, the things you learn along the way...I had never heard of such a thing, but then it happened. It's devastating to think you're pregnant and then you're not. I sort of gave up for a while. 6 months with nothing, then complete joy that you FINALLY did it, then it's taken away. Not fun. Fast forward to May 2011...
There we are at J. Christophers having sunday brunch and Josh says he's ready to start trying again. Alright! Me too! Voila, that same month I got pregnant. (keeping in mind I had started working out, lost 30 lbs, quit smoking, etc...perhaps that had something to do with my ability to get pregnant right away...those doctors know what they're talking about ;)) We were so happy! It really seemed unreal. I felt like I kept waiting for it to be over, since that's how it happened last time. But after many rounds of bloodwork, hcg levels doubling, progesterone where it should be, an ultrasound at 7weeks where we saw our little bean's heartbeat (140 :)) I really was pregnant! I also was very reserved. I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't ever let myself get overly excited. It's almost as if I knew something was wrong. Sure enough...I was 11 weeks pregnant when it all came to a crashing hault. The details are pretty gruesome so I'm not going to get into that, but it is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was a horrible thing to go through. A horrible thing to see. A horrible thing to feel. A horrible thing to hear "you've had a miscarriage." And the worst part...there's absolutely NOTHING you can do about it. It's heart wrenching. As of right now I wonder if it's something I'll ever get over, but, again, I'm hopeful that in 2 years from now we will have a happy, healthy baby and the memories of our losses, while not forgotten, won't hurt like this.
So...sad story over. The reason I'm writing this is because some things have changed. Since the miscarriage my cycles were not "normal." I'm pretty in tune with my body and I knew something was different. Sure enough...I wasn't ovulating. Well, when you decide to start trying again (which we have) you have to drop an egg to get pregnant :) Happy Easter, all! Sooo...with the recommendation of Dr. M I started clomid this cycle. I was a little apprehensive because I do not like taking drugs or meds. I won't even take them if I have a headache, but desperate times call for desperate measures :) This is a pretty big deal. Mainly because I've declared that I will get pregnant in the next 3 months and our baby will go to term and I'll deliver a healthy baby. Not like I actually have any say in it but it's my declaration and I'm sticking to it :)
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